Wordless Wednesday | Struthof Concentration Camp | Natwiller, France

Not my typical sunshiny photos today, but still worth checking out.  

My Heart Hurts

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm having a really hard time with the news of the Boston marathon bombing.

As Jesse grew up less than an hour from Boston, we have reminders of that area all over our house.  I tear up when I see Lily's Wally... a stuffed animal Jesse and I got her when we went to our first Red Sox game together at Fenway. We have tons of Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics shirts and hats... more than I realized.  But now I can't help but see them... reminders of the Aiduk family roots.  The first time I ever went to Boston was the weekend I realized I was in love with Jesse and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. 

Jess fell asleep the other night listening to the local Boston news coverage of the manhunt and I burst into tears while I was doing dishes.  Every new horrific detail that I hear just makes it harder...

I suppose that's why my defense mechanism during national tragedies is to avoid the news.  I just don't want to hear the details.  Perhaps that makes me a coward.  Perhaps it's bad because it's preventing me from dealing with my emotions. But there have been a few nights this week I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't get those images out of my head.  

In times like these I wish I had something encouraging to say to myself... but I have to admit my faith is a bit shaky.  I cry and I ask God why and I pray for help.  I tell him how scared I am to raise my girls in this crazy world.  And he doesn't answer me... I'm not expecting him to... except that I do feel him whisper truth to my heart.  That he's here, in the midst of tragedy.

And that's all I need.  It doesn't answer all my questions or take away all my tears, fears, or nightmares.  But it brings a significant measure of peace.

I pray for that peace for all who are suffering today.

Peace... Love... Joy

I took this picture a few days ago.  The afternoon sun was so lovely.  I was going to use the picture to illustrate a post about how blessed I feel lately.  How much peace I have... how good God has been... the love I feel when I look at my husband getting all dressed up for our retirement party date night tonight... the joy that fills my heart when I hear my girls laughing together as they play...

But instead this post is about heartbreaking news we received yesterday.  A dear friend from back home has died in a horrible accident.  He was so young.  So so so young.  Like my age... a few years younger perhaps.  More like my brother's age... my brother.  Someone my brother's age is gone.  It's terrible.  I don't even know a single detail and it's just absolutely killing me.

My head was spinning with so many sad thoughts last night... and today.  Memories of this friend.  Questions towards heaven... lots of "why" questions.  Longings... I long to be in Corning with my hurting friends and family right now.  I want to hold them and cry with them.

I want to whisper words of peace, love, and joy to them... even as I so desperately need to whisper them to myself.