My Heart Hurts

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm having a really hard time with the news of the Boston marathon bombing.

As Jesse grew up less than an hour from Boston, we have reminders of that area all over our house.  I tear up when I see Lily's Wally... a stuffed animal Jesse and I got her when we went to our first Red Sox game together at Fenway. We have tons of Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics shirts and hats... more than I realized.  But now I can't help but see them... reminders of the Aiduk family roots.  The first time I ever went to Boston was the weekend I realized I was in love with Jesse and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. 

Jess fell asleep the other night listening to the local Boston news coverage of the manhunt and I burst into tears while I was doing dishes.  Every new horrific detail that I hear just makes it harder...

I suppose that's why my defense mechanism during national tragedies is to avoid the news.  I just don't want to hear the details.  Perhaps that makes me a coward.  Perhaps it's bad because it's preventing me from dealing with my emotions. But there have been a few nights this week I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't get those images out of my head.  

In times like these I wish I had something encouraging to say to myself... but I have to admit my faith is a bit shaky.  I cry and I ask God why and I pray for help.  I tell him how scared I am to raise my girls in this crazy world.  And he doesn't answer me... I'm not expecting him to... except that I do feel him whisper truth to my heart.  That he's here, in the midst of tragedy.

And that's all I need.  It doesn't answer all my questions or take away all my tears, fears, or nightmares.  But it brings a significant measure of peace.

I pray for that peace for all who are suffering today.

A Happy Tuesday

Today is Friday... YAY FOR THE WEEKEND with Jesse home!  Yesterday went great and today is going well so far.  Things are crazy, but it's a fun kind of crazy!

But Tuesday felt like the worst Monday ever... no Jesse.  No Dad, Mom, Brother, Bethany, or Stephanie.  (And as I mentioned last night, Wednesday was a rough day.)  But on Tuesday, in the middle of the afternoon I heard the doorbell ring.  When I finally got down to check I found this box.

 In it were these flowers.

 And this note and scripture verse.

From the best Dad-in-Law and Mom-in-Law a girl could ask for!  If that didn't brighten my whole day, I don't know what did... except possibly the fact that Jesse was home at 4:30pm! :o)  But seriously, these lilies are beautiful and have been lighting up my kitchen... and lifting my spirits... and reminding me of God's strength... all week!

THANKS DIL AND MIL!!!

Flying Solo

This morning, at 4:35am, my extra pair of hands went to school. And I did not melt into a puddle of tears. Accomplishment #1. SJ woke up earlier than usual...of course ;o) But I was able to snag 20 minutes of coffee and Bible time after she went down for her first nap and before LJ woke up for breakfast. A GREAT way to start the day. Accomplishment #2. Then I reminded myself to take a deep breath and let go of any expectations I have for the day...if we all make it through without major meltdowns, it'll be a good day! Accomplishment #3 (mostly this is an accomplishment because I tend to over-plan and get upset when my plans don't work out...which is *bound* to happen with a 13 month old and a 2 week old in one house!). So yeah, no expectations. I'm definitely going to miss Jesse, though!

If we get *some* laundry folded and put away, that would be cool! (No expectations, though!) ;o)

"I can help, Momma."

"I know you can, Love-Buggie."

"No, really, I've got your back! I'll sort and fold the socks!"

"It's gonna be okay, Momma. Daddy will be home before you know it. And we'll all be fine!"

"Even if things get a little crazy at times!"

Three Aiduk girls signing off...mostly cause the two smallest ones are both asleep and this one should probably go lay down and rest, too! ;o)

Negative Three...

...days from my due date, that is.

(It still feels like Monday to me cause I woke up at 10:30 and couldn't sleep so I decided to stay up till Jesse gets home from class...which should be any time now. But technically, it's now Tuesday! ;o) And I'm still not having a baby...)

Oh I'm definitely having contractions. But they're just the kind that you only notice every twenty minutes or so...where you put your hand on your belly and say "hmm". But you don't really notice them unless you're sitting down being bored. Or trying to sleep.

They're not the kind of contractions you want to be having at this point in your pregnancy...the kind where you have to stop what you're doing and take a deep breath and you put your hands on your tummy and say "ow" to yourself as you check your watch and happily realize they're getting closer together and you can go to the hospital soon. (Well, Marie Mongan would say you aren't supposed to be saying "ow"...you should be "deep breathing" and visualizing how great your peaceful, natural labor and delivery is going to be...but I do what I can!)

Nope, none of those contractions, yet!

I'm alternating between super excited (YAY she'll be here soooon!) and super bored (GAH when is she going to get here?).

The only anxiety I'm feeling is fear that she won't come before "they" (them dang doctor folk) want to start talking about an induction. I don't know exactly when "the talk" about inductions happens in big old military hospitals, but I'm sure they won't let me go too long without giving me the stink-eye about waiting it out. I'm scheduled for an appointment on Friday morning.

Hoping and praying I go before then to avoid the headache of nonstress tests (which, ironically, stress ME out!) and arguing about what demands a truly medically necessary induction.

Now is the time I'm really missing Deb, my NY midwife, who never even brought up an induction with my nine-day-late first girl. (Though she did do a routine nonstress test at 41 weeks.)

And now is the time I'm depending on the Lord for the strength to be patient and at peace with his perfect timing. Psalm 46 is where I ended up in my devos tonight. Perfect timing, God...just perfect! In all things!

Psalm 46
God Is Our Fortress
To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. [1] A Song.

46:1 God is our refuge and strength,
a very present [2] help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
11 The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Thanks

I got a really encouraging email from a friend this weekend (Thanks Catalyst Sis! I miss you and I WILL write back soon!). She was thanking me for the blog, which was sweet. A few people have said they've been enjoying it recently, and the encouragement is MUCH appreciated!

And she was also reminding me of the changes in my life since the time her and I first met (about 5 years ago now, I think!). Back then I could probably only cook grilled cheese and Ramen noodles :o) and I could barely even keep my room clean. Not exactly the picture of domesticity, eh? :o) Thankfully, Jesse saw some potential there...or else he really liked grilled cheese and Ramen noodles and didn't care if our house was a mess all the time!

But the reminder was great...God really has done a HUGE work in my heart to make me fall in love with homemaking like I am. I'm so thankful that he didn't leave me the selfish, hopeless, aimless girl I was fresh out of high school. And I'm so so so thankful for the tools he's used to help me grow in this area: great friends and amazing examples within my family, good books and blogs, and a patient and encouraging husband.

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds." (Psalm 9:1)

Thanks for pointing my eyes to the Lord once again Chica! ;o)

Blueberries

Last night on the phone Jesse told me it was nice not to be a "blueberry" anymore.

Apparently, the newest graduates to move onto base are called "blueberries" because they have to wear their dress blues for the first full week. But now Jesse has become just another airman, making room for this week's newest graduates from Lackland...the next "blueberries" :o)

He's doing great! He really likes Keesler. And his roommate is cool, plus he's able to hang out a bit with some of the friends from his flight at Basic. Apparently the food is okay, but the gym and pool are great. (Priorities!) And his roommate is in the weather program currently so Jesse's been able to borrow his book and start on his studying. He says it's way more humid than Texas...which makes my inner sweaty-self cringe! My friends from the south say you get used to it, but I'm skeptical...I do sweat like a man, after all. Ick!

Tech school for Jesse starts July 26th. Last week was all briefings (orientation to base) and the next two weeks will be "details"...which I'm pretty sure means he does odd jobs like staffing entrances to certain buildings. We talk for a bit each night...longer on the weekends. His days are pretty full and he has to get up before 4am three days a week. (I don't envy him there!)

He has a few checks and tests to get through before he can apply for a house for us. We're hoping the move date will be by the end of August at the absolute latest. It could be as soon as 3-4 weeks, though.

I'm re-learning a lot about patience and also trying to focus on not complaining on the phone when we talk...it's yet another stage (of many more to come I'm sure) where I have to trust God with timing. Neither Jesse or I can change how long or fast this takes...only our attitude about it. It's still feeling harder than when he was at Basic, but every step of this adventure will be different, and I'll adjust. Before I know it, we'll be a real family again (you know, the kind that actually live in the same house!) :o)

Keesler

I just talked to a very helpful gentleman down at Keesler AFB, where we'll be moving. I was wondering if anyone could give me an idea of when Jesse might be able to get housing arranged for us to move down. At this point I've just been guessing and crossing my fingers about early July (knowing full well that was probably wishful thinking!). I found out a few good things from him. First, the guys are not allowed off the base right away...sometimes the earliest is two weeks. And the base housing is actually not on base. Sometimes it takes even longer than that. So it's pretty safe to assume at this point that we won't be moving until mid/late-July.

While I'm a little disappointed, I'm glad to have a better idea. And this timing also works out better for my parents, who are going to drive our truck down for me so I can fly with LJ (God bless em!). God is in control and I'm totally trusting him.

I also found out a prayer request. Apparently the weather school is very difficult and has a high wash out rate. While I have full confidence in Jesse's ability to get through it, I'm sure it will be challenging and he'll need lots of prayer. The guy also told me that this means that I shouldn't expect to move sooner than three weeks after he gets there because they make the guys wait to see if they'll make it in the school before they let them get settled into housing. Makes sense. But a bit of a bummer. Oh well, another chance for my guy to shine :o)

PS: TWENTY DAYS till I see him!!!!!!!!!