How a "Watch" Strengthened My Resolve to be Present... Plus a Giveaway for You

Look what I found!

It looks like a watch, it feels like a watch, but it's NOT a watch.

It's a reminder to slow down. 

And a very important reminder it is...

You don't have to worry about batteries, daylight savings, time zones, or alarms.

It really helps me remember to worry less. period.

It may not minimize or eliminate all time-related worry, but it does remind you that sometimes, the best answer to the question "what time is it?" is "now."

I found this company on instagram (@stealtimeback) and I fell in love with the product and the message.

You can browse their website here to find out more about the "now" movement, check out their shop full of cool now bracelets, and read their awesome blog... full of inspiration and gentle reminders to enjoy this beautiful life that we have a tendency to FLY through at frantic pace.

I've mentioned before that I have always had a problem with perfectionism, being a type-A personality, and having too strict a schedule.

Being a mother has taught me more and more that it's important to free yourself from that self-imposed bondage to the clock.

Here's the blog post where I talk about how freeing it was to lose my watch in Barcelona three years ago. I haven't owned a "real" watch since. And it's been very good for me to be watch-free.

Then here's the post where I talk about my struggle with being obsessed with what's next... too driven, taking on too much, and constantly re-learning to let go and slow down.

You can't make time for what's important unless you're willing to recognize that your time is a precious, finite commodity. You have to say no to some things. And that's really hard for me. I talk about it in depth here. 

This picture that Ana took of me in Amsterdam will always hold a special place in my heart because it illustrates how I'm feeling as I'm working through all these life lessons. The world still runs all around me. But I'm learning how to be still. (that blog post is here)

At German class this week, Jenny taught us how to talk about New Year's Resolutions and she asked us if we had any. In German, I fumbled for the words to say I don't really have any resolutions... except then I changed my mind and said I am continuing last year's resolution to slow down.

Slow down. 
Be here now. Enjoy. Observe. Don't rush.

It amazes me how much more content I am when I'm really focusing on right now.

After I found Steal Time Back, I reached out to them and asked for two bracelets... one for me to proudly wear and one for one of my lucky readers! They graciously and generously responded right away!

So I'm giving away one bracelet... here's where you enter to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

One thing I didn't anticipate about this bracelet was how often I would look at it. I guess since it looks and feels so much like a watch, my busy brain still thinks it's a watch!

So even after three years of being watch-free, I'll catch myself wondering what time it is and I'll get the precious reminder that it's NOW whenever I look at my wrist!

It's also a great conversation starter... I've had lots of people notice that my watch isn't a watch and it's started some really interesting talks with friends and even strangers.

So please enter the giveaway and share this post with friends! 

Check out the Time Bandit's website and consider these products as a great little gift for yourself. Or a unique gift for someone else! Let's all join the club and make 2015 a year where we are present in the NOW.

I'll leave you with this great quote:

"There will be more of life to experience tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day.

And I don't have to be running after it all the time. 

Breathe, rest, practice the idea of enough... Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go." (Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet)  (emphasis mine)

I Might Have Won the Fight for a Cozy Christmas

I just love this quote.

I read it in November when I was going through the Cozy Christmas ebook. (It's only $5 right now so go get yours before the sale ends!) It helped me to stay grounded this season when I wanted to go all crazy-Christmas Mom instead of cozy-Christmas Mom. 

The quote to be so true. I intentionally watched the month unfold through the girls' eyes. And boy were they impressed. I could hardly believe how excited they were, when I "knew" I wasn't doing "it all" quite "right."

As adults, we tend to rush through life way too fast anyways, and never more than during the Christmas season. As "slow down" has been my biggest life's lesson of 2014, I was really intentional about finishing the year strong in that department. I knew I needed to have a Christmas version of my things-I-don't-do list.

It wasn't easy. Christmas is the time of year I really truly WANT to do it all! So I had to be pretty ruthless with myself.

My children had a lovely month... and they're going to have a lovely next few days. And that's how I want to look at Christmas. 

Even if you don't have children, take a few moments this week to contemplate and enjoy the sparkle around you with fresh eyes. Child's eyes. Breathe it all in... the cinnamon and pine and sugar cookies and gingerbread. Sit on the couch under a blanket with all the lights off but the Christmas tree lights.

Just be in the quiet moments of Christmas. 

Look at the things you did this month and smile. Don't look at the things you didn't do and worry. Every season is different and it's the same with Christmas! This year, I couldn't get around to stringing popcorn garland or celebrating St. Nicholas Day or making 5 different types of cookies or getting all the packages mailed on time. I didn't make the cinnamon ornaments I wanted to make for the tree.

But I did have fun. And so did the girls!

We ate monkey bread and decorated the tree and read our favorite Christmas books a million times. I delegated or ignored tasks that weren't absolutely necessary so I could make time for Christmas playdough and paper snowflakes. I was the busiest I've ever been professionally during the holidays, having a blast photographing the Nutcracker, but I still made time for yoga and reading and getting enough sleep. The girls and I had fun singing Christmas songs with this free app and they REALLY loved this free app where they got to cut Santa's hair!

When I look back at this month, I have none of the feelings of "Christmas stress" that I usually have. Just a lot of happy memories.

Ahhhhh so THAT'S what that feels like! 

Merry Merry MERRY Christmas you guys!

Parting is Just Plain Sorrow

It's been a weird day today. 

I've been busy. Running errands. Groceries, post office, Christmas shopping, ballet class. 

All in the constant drizzle that seems so appropriate for how I'm feeling. 

Because Kirsten is on her way to the next leg of their adventure. An airplane is taking her far far away from me.

It seems so strange that I'm debating on which type of pork roast to buy and helping little girls into tutus... just doing normal life things... when all the while a huge part of my life is packing her bags and leaving on a plane to Texas. 

If ever we take things for granted, it's those rare friendships that come our way only once in awhile. We are fools because we think things will always stay the same. 

But we forget how quickly the PCS clock ticks down to DEROS time. Or at least I did.

You would think my time as a military spouse, living in this environment of constant change, would have me calloused by now. 

I should be a pro at saying goodbye.

But I don't think we ever get good at it. In order to do so, we would have to stop being human or something! And I don't want to live like that!

I want to feel the closeness of true friendship... even if it means I have to feel the pain of inevitable goodbyes. 

On Tuesday Kirsten came over to my house, like she's done hundreds of times in the past three years. 

We drank caffeinated beverages and enjoyed a fire. We ate smoked salmon and messed around with our new favorite paper snowflakes. 

We talked and talked and talked, like we always do. 

We walked to the kindergarten to pick up the girls, and we laughed at their antics on the walk home. We had more caffeine in the afternoon and warmed up by the fire again.

And we talked and talked and talked.

And in my heart I didn't feel like it was our "last day" together. Even though I knew it was.

We took goodbye photos. We gave goodbye hugs. 

I know we can skype. And talk on the phone. Hell I know we can even use Space-A to have bestie vacays if we want. 

But it's not the same. We'll never live in Germany at the same time again. It feels so strange to think that my life here is just going to keep chugging along for the next two years... And I KNOW I will have more friendships to cherish... 

...but that doesn't mean that this day just plain sucked. 

Lest you think I'm a total Debbie-Downer, I have also been marveling at the complicated feelings that my heart can feel all in the same season. 

I can be raw with the pain of goodbye, and at the same time smiling with excitement for all the awesome things that this next move has in store for my friend. I can feel grumpy and stress-clean my entire kitchen, and at the same time be filled with joy at the memories that well up when I turn on the new-to-me espresso machine Kirsten gave me and taught me to use. 

A friendship like that will make you feel like that.

And you can't help but smile and wave and cry and laugh all at once as the precious time together ends. 

You know you've been changed for the better by that kind of friendship. She has rubbed off on you in so many good ways that you probably won't even understand them all for years. She has helped you grow, she has held your hand and been your shoulder, she has laughed and cried and been angry for you and told you to stop being stupid and everything in between. She taught you Photoshop and she helped form you into a fearless mompreneur. She pushed you when you didn't want to be pushed. And she waited patiently when you needed to breathe. She loved pretty food... possibly more than you did.

And you thank God for sending such a kindred spirit your way.

To Play or Not to Play? Why is that the Question?

As I keep working towards my goals of being a "mompreneur" I sometimes get slammed with a hefty portion of that good old Mommy-Guilt. 

I try to work as much as I can when the kids are at school or sleeping. 

That's the most common "work at home" tip I read for moms. And I get it, it's important that my kids don't always see me at the computer. 

But it's not usually possible. I'm not nearly organized enough for such a rigid routine at this point in my life.

And on top of that, in trying to make my H a priority, when he's off of work I try to be present. i.e. not on the computer. So I work in a fluctuating schedule of some days = marathon computer sessions and some days = none at all. And it seems to work fine for everyone. 

But the kids don't always have as present or active of a mom as I'd like. 

The funny thing is, I don't think they even notice.

I think to myself, "did I play with the girls today?" and when the answer's no I cringe with Mommy-Guilt. I need to snap myself out of that and look around! I'm the only one freaking out here!

I read this post from Monica Bielanko awhile back and it really really REALLY encouraged me to chill with the Mommy-Guilt. Her raw honesty about motherhood is such a relief to read! 

See, the girls are doing just fine with Momma working extra on the computer or at the photo shoots. And I still manage to take them to the park or the playground or the event or whatever... just not as often as I used to. And I'm certainly taking advantage of their budding autonomy by sitting out playtime with a coffee. Or a beer (thanks Germany!) And that's okay! As Monica says,

"They’re at the pool, aren’t they? That’s winning at motherhood in my book. Our kids are such delicate flowers that not only must everyone get a trophy every time they so much as bend a knee at an event but we need to jump in every pool and brave every waterslide instead of just looking up and waving all two-thousand times they shout MOM WATCH! MOM WATCH! MOM! MOM! MOM! LOOK AT ME! MOM, LOOK AT ME!"

So maybe I haven't been able to play as much as I'd like to. Maybe I'm not actually coloring with them (haha maybe I'm even in the corner of the room coloring in my own coloring book, which I've found very therapeutic lately!)

Maybe I'm only going down the slide twice before I tell them the rest is up to them and I'll be sitting over there in the shade with my magazine!

I'm not always working - sometimes when they're around I just need to chill! If you follow me on facebook then you saw that I'm pretty honest with them about piddling around on the great wide internet when I "should" be doing things (like putting them to bed!)

I blogged about how important it is to me to play with my girls a little every day.

But "a little every day" is so different from the crushing burden we sometimes put on ourselves that we should always be playing and never be working in front of our kids! 

I'm proud of the work I'm doing these days.

And I'm proud of the fact that my girls get to see that sometimes.

I'm also proud of them, and so grateful for them... because even if I'm only reading three bedtime stories instead of a 45 minute marathon (YAWN) they still giggle with delight and snuggle me close... and they tell me every day how much they love me. I don't even have to bribe them!

If I play with them a little, hug them a lot, read to them some, and tell them how much I love them, too, then we're all good!

And as long as I remember that, then Mommy-Guilt will die a slow and painful death!

Did this post hit the spot? Then please share with your friends on facebook!

Halloween Traditions | Sometimes Short & Sweet is All You Can Manage

I wanted to do more for Halloween this year. 

But when this week rolled around, I had to force myself back to my list of Things I Don't Do and remind myself that I don't stress out about minor holidays any more.

So... these pumpkins? That's it.

*Gasp* I know, right?

There were going to be really cool caramel popcorn balls from The Pioneer Woman's Holiday Cookbook {this is an affiliate link, if you use it I get a small compensation} but ALAS! No candy corns at the commissary!

Then there were going to be really cute spooky pumpkin pancakes for dinner (also from the PW cookbook) but ALAS, no milk. And Momma was tired. And the girlies weren't really too worried about it because I made them popcorn for dinner.

Which we ate on the couch watching Despicable Me 2.

Because there was totally going to be Trick-or-Treating this year but... 

...it's no fun for Mom to take Double Trouble out for that without Dad... who had to work tonight.

And praise the LORD my kids are still young enough that they don't realize they missed out on a crap-ton of candy tonight.

It's okay cause tomorrow is Lily's 5th birthday and I have blue cupcakes at. the. ready. (Thanks to Aunt Kirsten!)

So we "just" carved pumpkins this year.

Which we didn't even get at a "real" pumpkin farm (unless you count the pile of pumpkins outside the Commissary as a pumpkin farm?) but we did have a fun family memory.

Even if it was just that one! 

My favorite part of the carving was how quickly the girls' tune changed from "PLEASE can we carve pumpkins NOW? Pleeeeeeease????" (every five seconds) to "EWWWWW this is so SLIMY!!!"

"Haha, welcome to the real world my loves. We're not going to do all the dirty slimy jobs for you your whole life! Also, stop flinging your dirty hand around and spraying pumpkin guts all over my living room. Thanks."

So seriously, Happy Halloween from my house to yours. 

And if you didn't do a bunch of Pinterest-worthy activities, don't worry, neither did I. And I'm sure all of our kids will turn out *relatively* fine.

If you found this post encouraging please share it on your facebook wall! 

And make sure to take advantage of the blog giveaway I'm running right now!

From This Mom to All Moms: Bad Days Happen, Even When Our Intentions Were So Good!

Dear Moms,

Don't be fooled. Just because you had a great morning doesn't mean you'll be having a great evening.

Sure, you got a lot of work done this morning, and rocked German class and a bunch of errands all in perfect time to go pick up the kids. You enjoyed your fresh tomato and mozz baquette from Globus as you rocked out to music with the windows down.

Yes, it was sunny today. So so so sunny.

Oh yeah, you thought you were going to be such a Cool Mom and surprise your kids with a trip to the Dinosaur Park... which is closing for the season on Friday. Good job you!

But wait. 

Remember that spot at the kindergarten that has a sign that says "parking forbidden" which all of you kindy moms ignore if the other spaces are full? Well, today is your lucky day to win the "no one ever gets a ticket for parking here" lottery! 

Oh and don't forget that your children are going to be super worn out from playing outside all day. And of course they're going to be super whiny and uncooperative.

As in "OHMYGOSHMOM I can't get my SHOES on all the way LETSFREAKOUT" kind of almost-5yo meltdowns. With shrieking. While Daddy is sleeping off a rough mid shift trying to sleep upstairs.

And while you think you're being smart for bringing food, you're actually retarded for bringing a new kind of cheese. Just because it has pineapple doesn't mean it's going to get rave reviews. Also, minus twenty points for thinking that it would be warm at the park just cause the sun was shining.

PS you forgot to bring the correct Euro change for the parking machine. And rather than risk another ticket you'll be making a trip into the office for change and then back out to the car.

Yay.

It doesn't matter that you're going to go down the slide three times in a row with those precious little humans you gave birth to... they're still sure as hell not going to let you sit down and enjoy that tiny cup of coffee for five minutes. No way.

One kid will get stuck at the top of some playground equipment and refuse to come down.

One kid will want to see the Dinos but the other won't.

Everyone's going to be miserable. But after sticking it out for 1.5 hours they're STILL going to complain about leaving. Loudly. Complain.

The truth is, and we all know this, sometimes being a Mom sucks. 

And that's okay cause once you get them home and in a nice warm bubble bath... and once you have some coffee... you'll all be snuggly and warm by the fire. Forgetting the whole afternoon. You will still have a lot of work to do after they're in bed. And one of them will probably wake up crying that she's got a sore throat while you're writing a blog post. But at the end of the day, it's just a day.

It was kind of a bad day. But they happen.

And while you know they'll happen again... while you know that you have so much work to do to clean up the kitchen and work on client photos and write and research and organize your professional life... you also know that your girls' fresh soapy hair smells so good as you read ten thousand bedtime stories and they snuggle up on either side of you.

Because even on the worst of days, we all know that being a Mom is as awesome as it is hard. Actually... more awesome. So much more.

And even though it didn't feel like anything about the afternoon went right, you DID take your kids to the park. You snuggled with them and read them a million stories even though you were tired and had a lot to do.

Cut yourself some slack.

Love and goodnight,
    Jess... another Mom in the trenches just like you

Let's Be Real - Life Lessons | Taste the Rainbow of Life

I am so so so terrible at balance. It's a constant life lesson that I get slammed in the face with on a regular basis. Something I'm always working on! 

Strangely enough, it's been helpful lately to think of colorful produce when I think of what I'm going to accomplish...

They say when you're trying to focus on getting the recommended variety of fruits and vegetables in your diet to think of eating a rainbow throughout the week. 

So you don't have to eat the rainbow every day to reap the benefits! You eat it throughout the week and you cover all those nutritional bases! 

You can take this idea a step further and apply it to what you accomplish on a daily/weekly basis.

Sure, you can't "do it all" every day without killing yourself. But you can certainly do it all if you spread it throughout the week!

It's about balance. But it's BIG PICTURE balance.

For example... I can't blog, do yoga, read to my kids for 20 minutes, do a photo shoot, study my NYIP course, cook gourmet meals, read, go on a lunch date with my husband, study German, volunteer, clean the house, connect with friends and family, and relax EVERY DAY!

But throughout the week? I totally got this!

I think this concept is an important life lesson for us all, and especially for the Moms reading (because I feel like we especially suck at cutting ourselves slack on the to-do's) - just focus on the weekly rainbow. 

You can't fit it all into each and every day! You just can't!

Some days, you're going to eat popcorn for dinner. Or not do anything productive all day. 

And you know what? 

It's totally fine. I won't judge. But you gotta stop judging yourself because you couldn't do it all today.

I want to strive to eat my fruits and veggies, but I want to enjoy the colors and flavors of junk food, too! I want to feel free to get twenty million things done in a day, but also take a day here or there to stay in my pajamas all day and read a novel! I'm just being real... it's a tough life lesson for me to learn! 

Just because the big picture is balance doesn't mean every day is supposed to be perfect! 

So does anyone else have this problem in their life? Can I get an amen? 

Who Am I and What Have I Done to My Control-Freak Self?

Good news everyone! I'm learning to let life be messy! 

Mom is coming today and I'm honestly proud of how messy and dirty the house is! There are cobwebs, dirty toilets, and crumbs on the floor. I haven't made her bed, yet... or laid out her towels. I have huge piles of clean laundry that I will need to deal with later today. The toy room (where she'll be sleeping) looks like Hurricane Double Trouble just swept through. I have ongoing projects for JGP and TABA to finish. I need a haircut.

Heck, even my nail polish is super chipped!

But you know what? I'm not stressed that she's coming and I'm not "ready" :o)

I didn't kill myself to get the house spotless before she got here. And MOST importantly, I didn't yell at Jesse about any perceived Cinderella-martyrdom I was angry about. I didn't get all bossy-pants-cranky-momma with the girls about any messes they were making.

I just did the usual things I do (like caught up on two days of dishes) and a quick blog post, then snuggled with J for some TV time before bed. 

And I was up early enough for a child-free cup of coffee and I'm excited that today's the day I'm picking Mom up from the airport!

This may seem silly to many of you, but then you never struggled with OCD ;o) I already warned her that the new me is a slightly messier version of the old me. Letting go of my perfectionism is an ongoing struggle.

But I know she'll be happy to see that.

Because new-me will actually have time and brain cells this afternoon to relax with her over a cup of chai instead of breaking my back trying to be the hostess with the mostest.

I'd rather just be present. 

Which is something my whole family, guests included, will be relieved to hear!

Anyone else have a habit of stressing themselves (and everyone else around them) when people come to visit? How do you combat the inner urge to be a perfectionist?

I'd love to hear from you in the comments!

Nothing's More Intense than TEN DAYS OF YOGA at Grace Studio!

Busy busy BUSY week (or two or three) in the Aiduk casa. But so much of it is fun and exciting that I absolutely can't complain! 

I just finished my first experience taking a yoga class at Grace Studio. If you are interested in yoga, dance, or German language classes this semester, I highly recommend them! (If you join German 1 on Mondays and Wednesdays I'll see you there! And my girls will be taking ballet on Thursday afternoons!)

[If you're scratching your head and wondering if I have time for all of this on top of JGP and the NYIP course, the answer is probably no. But my commitment to these things is a story for another time. And also, we all know that I tend to get in over my head. We'll see if I can manage to balance life this time ;o) Some of these opportunities are just way too good to pass up! Moving on...]

So Jenny, the owner of Grace Studio, does this super awesome thing called Summer Intensives in between the end of her summer semester and the beginning of her fall semester. You sign up for ten days of your favorite - one hour per day! There was ballet, tap, swing dance, German, and yoga. Since my German is so bad (STILL) I thought yoga was the obvious choice.

Of COURSE I had already committed to this BEFORE we knew J would be up to his eyeballs in ALS. And yes of COURSE it happened before we finally made a decision on that second car purchase. And of COURSE the girls were on their summer break!

Needless to say, my resolve to attend all ten classes was definitely tested. Especially after how sore I was the first few days! I usually only do at most 40 minutes of yoga at a time. So I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't be able to keep up.

Thankfully, Jenny is a patient and wise yoga instructor... one of the biggest lessons she and Linda (another instructor) reminded me of is to be patient with your body and be present in each day. No matter what fitness program you choose, you can't get caught up in your goals. Because there will always be another goal! It's awesome to be proud of yourself and to push yourself.

But true fitness is a lifelong journey!

I was just so amazed by how much fun I had and how much I learned during this last ten days of yoga. I got to know new friends, I learned tons of new poses and ways to build up to them, and I learned about some essential yoga gear that I need to add to my collection. (Read: I thought that yoga blocks were only necessary for beginners, but now I learned how I can use them to go deeper into some poses and build up strength for others!)

I also learned some good lessons about going with the flow and just smiling in the midst of chaos. 

Please imagine five people trying to take yoga seriously with a 3yo and 4yo in the corner watching a movie. They have headphones in. So they don't realize that they're talking loud to each other. Really. Loud. But Jenny encouraged me not to worry so I kept bringing them on the days I had to! ;o) No harm was done and it stretched me to be more tolerant of my children being around during my yoga practice. Sam even experimented with me a little!

But we're kind of glad (as a family) that the yoga intensives are over because they were, well, intense. Having to get to the studio every day by 4:45pm wasn't always easy. But it was so so worth it!

If you're in the area and want to check out a sample of what Grace Studio is all about, come enjoy their 4th anniversary party this Wednesday! There will be champagne, pineapple cake, short performances from all the intensive classes, and dancing to end the evening! (And bonus - get your photos taken by yours truly!) 

PS the above photo is the beginning of Lily and my attempts at imitating the amazing Laura Sykora and her daughter Mini! Yoga is fun for the whole family!!

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If you'd like to support my blog at no additional cost to you, make an amazon purchase through my affiliate links to the yoga blocks , yoga towel , and yoga mat that I plan to purchase soon. You don't have to buy any of those things for amazon to send me a financial thank-you! They just track whatever purchase you make through my link and send me a small percentage. Thanks!

The Hardest and Best To-Do List Ever | Things I Don't Do

In keeping with my ditch the to-do list challenge to myself, I am borrowing Shauna Niequist's brilliant idea to make a new kind of to-do list. In what she calls her "frantic twenties", a dear friend and mentor told her that you have to know what you are willing to give up in order to do the things you truly care about.

So this is a list of things I have to let go of. And I hate it a little, because the "in a perfect world where there are 62 hours in every day" part of me WANTS to do these things. All of them. But there are only 24 hours in my days, how about yours? So.

Or maybe they're things I want to want to do. But I don't. Or I don't like to, but "everyone" else does them and I feel like I should. Or I just don't have time in this season of my life but maybe I'll take them off this list later. Who knows.

But for now, they're goners. And that's why this list is so hard. Because you have to admit there are just some things you don't do. And I wrote them out for you because a) I want some of you to let go of that "Jessica is a superMom" mentality and b) I want to have it written out as a reminder to myself.

(This list is startlingly freeing. You should make one too if this is a problem for you!)

1. I don't celebrate the minor holidays on epic-Christmas-levels anymore. Unless I want to. But if I don't want to, I hereby refuse to allow myself to feel bad about it! My desire to make all of life as sparkly and fun as possible (for myself AND the girls) can lead to a stressful week's worth of prep and oh-so-many-lists and to-dos just to make St. Patty's Day absolutely Pinterest-worthy. But I'm finding that I don't mind much at all if every meal of Valentine's Day isn't a shade of pink or the shape of a heart. Nope, don't care. (Funny thing is, neither do the girls) So I'm going to stick to ROCKING Christmas, Easter, and our four birthdays. After that, Cinco de Mayo is totally optional icing on the cake of our holiday celebrations. Part of what frees me from this pressure is that my mom frequently sends AMAZING care packages, even for the little holidays, which include cool decor and fun stickers in the very least. Everyone wins, and all I have to do is pull out the box! (Thanks Mom you're the best!)

2. I don't do a lot of crafts anymore. Or kid art type stuff. Or preschool worksheets. The kids like it sometimes so when I (or they) get the urge, we still paint. Or we have random "let's google about snails since collecting empty shells is Lily's newest obsession" moments. But they don't really like to do most other crafts or "intentional learning activities" I've tried so I no longer fight it. Or more accurately, I fight that voice inside me that says "you really should be doing this to be a good mom." I sprinkle glitter and glue and popcicle sticks at that voice and say " 'shut it!' The kindergarten teachers are more than capable of taking that on."

3. I don't make absolutely everything from scratch. I know. SOMETIMES I buy tortillas and granola and chicken stock and deodorant from the store. This one can be really hard for me to allow myself... to remember that just because I know how to make these things with a clean ingredient list, or just because I want to avoid bad fats or chemicals or sugar in the conventional version, or even just because it's CHEAPER to make it myself, doesn't mean I should make it myself. Sometimes the time required to do every homemade thing I can in 24 hours leaves me with no time left for the people who I'm trying to feed so super healthy. I can't do it all, and I have to reel it in and be comfortable with the level of crunchy we're at, for now. My family is more important than the sum total of how much coconut oil, soaked grains, or 24-hour chicken stock I can get into their bodies. I can no longer allow myself to get to the place of near-meltdown as I try to "do it all" in this area.

4. I don't update Facebook much anymore. When I have some funny story or witty thought or silly pic of the kids, I send it to My Love first. I am intentionally applying this amazing article I read about a woman who disentangled herself from addictive social media in order to make more "intersections" with her husband. So I'm trying to apply that concept pretty ruthlessly for awhile... I love social media for it's ease of staying connected with family and for it's networking possibilities within my business, but I know that it can be a vortex. And in 50 years, Jesse's the only one who's "likes" I will care about. #therestofyouwillfade #socialmediaisaddictive #strongmarriageorbust

5. I don't blog every day. And I don't blog about every thing. Some days are just mine. Some stories are just our family's. Some joys are best kept as inside jokes. And some struggles are private. Our family blog is important to me, it will never go away. It's a story I want to tell, a journal I love to write in, and a scrapbook I'll treasure forever. But it's just for fun. And it's not as important as I sometimes want to think ;o)

6. I don't stay in close contact with people outside my immediate circle. Shauna Niequist calls this focusing on "the Home Team" and I love that concept. I've always kept a pretty small home team and I always used to feel bad about it. My relational energy is pretty depleted after I take care of the most important things - Jesse, Lily, and Sam. I cling to a few close friendships. But no matter how much I want to Skype, call, email, or write letters to all 300 of my favorite people who I've had the privilege of loving to death in the past ten years or so, I just can't! I think of you all often, those I love from afar now. And I treasure the time we had when we could share life together. The fact that I don't email you anymore doesn't mean I don't love you. The nature of our life in the military has meant a faster-than-usual changing up of the home team. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can't keep up with everyone. But I'm learning to accept that aspect of the limit on my time.

7. I don't attend many play dates these days. There was a time, not too long ago, that I was meeting up with other mommas with kids my kids age on a weekly basis. And I LIVED for that social interaction, where we pretended it was about our kids, but really it was about us needing to get out of the house. But now my monkeys are "big kids" in kindergarten M-F for the better part of the day. And for the rest of the day and weekends, I want them mostly to myself! It's shocking to me to realize that the toddler years are over and my time with adults doesn't have to revolve around nap times and diaper changes anymore!

8. I don't sort my laundry into loads by color. Never have, never will. I wash almost everything on cold and call it good. It's a rare rare day when I iron. I do like to hang our clothes to dry as often as possible, hippie-momma that I am, but that's about as high-maintenance as I get with laundry.

9. I don't keep up with the news. Or Hollywood. I wish I was a better world citizen and knew more of what was going on in current events and pop culture. But it's never been something I did. I don't study musicians or songs. I'm a social tv-watcher and a passive music-listener. I don't even know the titles of some of my favorite songs! I listen to music sometimes, especially in the car, but I prefer quiet. I used to be embarrassed because this makes me kind of strange... but I'm learning to embrace just "being Jessica" in that.

10. Cleaning the house is a relative term. "Tidying" is a more accurate description of what I do. I try to stay on top of picking things up, and it amazes me how that alone makes the house feel more clean. But the toilets don't get scrubbed very often. The cobwebs are a permanent fixture in some corners of the house. Hell will freeze over before I clean the windows. Or scrub out the oven. And I'm constantly battling with myself to embrace this. To not stress over crumbs on the floor or dishes on the counter when friends come over. If I cleaned the house more I'd have less time for the things that really matter! So I do the bare minimum that we agree our family is comfortable with, and I try to forget the rest!

11. Kid birthday parties. No. At least, not yet. No elaborate themes and large guest lists here. No 12 extra children invading my house all at once. No pinteresting madness. No stress. I apparently couldn't do the 9 month math it required to NOT give birth to my children around a holiday (0-2 on that one) and besides that their birthdays are a month apart. Nopity-nope-nope to huge parties. We do a special family outing for each girl and they get to choose dinner. It's a small family-centered celebration but it includes a lot of presents and a lot of their favorite color so I don't think they care too much that we don't surround them with their peer and hire a clown.

12. Waking up at 5am. There was a time not long ago, when the girls were tiny and needed me all day long, that I woke up at 5am almost every day. That was my only time to read, think, journal, and pray uninterrupted and honestly, I'm the kind of person that is allergic to interruptions. So I needed that time! I indulged in numerous cups of coffee, sometimes a blog post, and sometimes a quick yoga workout... and I wouldn't have survived those years (especially the "two kids under the age of two" years) without starting my day like that. But it got me to the end of the day with very little left to give anyone else. Like, oh I don't know, the man who helped create said children. 9pm was like my tap-out-brain-dead-zone. So now, with the girls a little older and less needy (and at school in the mornings!) I can fit that uninterrupted me-time in later in the day. I now wake up at the perfectly reasonable hour of 7am most days, when Sam comes in to tell me there's a "wake up seven!!!!" on their digital clock ;o) And I'm much more awake at the end of the night. I can't say I never fall asleep during movies anymore, but I do have a slightly better track record for being less zombie-ish and less grumpy about bedtimes.

13. Working out with others. I've dabbled in Zumba class and tried going with people to the gym or meeting up for a run. But I don't like it. I feel like it over-complicates my already complicated life. My workout routine is much easier to make a routine when all I need to do is unroll a yoga mat in my living room and turn on YouTube. (By the way Sadie Nardini is my new fave. She's kooky but her workouts are TOUGH and awesome.) Sometimes I run, by myself or with Jesse. But it's not my thing. I'd like to get into hiking but it just never seems to happen. As I look over at my yoga mat in the corner I can smile because I know I'm in the best shape of my life. Sure I could use more cardio and a stronger core. But I have muscles now. And I got them all by myself. In the quite of my dirty living room.


So that's my list! In no particular order. It has been nice to admit to myself that the things that really matter are WORTH giving up these things... the things that don't really matter as much.

How about you? Got anything you need to give up? Make your list and let me know in the comments if it helped you feel more free to say "nope, I don't do that, and that's okay!" :o)

Three cheers for admitting we can't do it all!

Throwback Thursday | Two Life Lessons

Today I want to re-post two old ones...

This one from two days ago over at Jesse's Girl Photography. And this one from two years ago here on There & Back Again.

One is a recent lesson that ties directly with my "slow down" New Year's goal. And the old one, the watch one, makes me chuckle... it was the beginning of this journey to discovering just how deep the roots of my awful workaholic tendencies go. The very first hints at my "death to the to-do lists" challenge!

In case anyone else needs encouragement today that it can take years for a lesson to sink in! 

Peace - What Happened When I Slowed Down

Here's the next installment of "Life Lessons from Jessica's Life Lessons."

It was brought to my attention by a friend (and confirmed by My Love) (and reconfirmed by my new favorite author/twin-separated-at-birth, Shauna Niequist ) that I have an addiction. To work.

And the main visible evidence of this is that I was obsessed with my to-do lists.

So I prayed about it and I went without. And it was hard. I literally had to move my favorite to-do list app to the deepest darkest corner of my iPod Touch and swear to myself not to look at it unless I was planning a menu/grocery list for the week!

You'd think a type-A personality would self-destruct without her to-do lists. And it's true, I was a bit difficult to live with for a few weeks... constantly jonesing to DO SOMETHING while forcing myself to glue my tush to the couch and read a book. Just for fun. A novel. Or watch a movie with the kids. Or sit outside in the sun chatting with Jesse... while there were still dishes in the sink or emails to answer or projects to start or organizing to do or laundry piles to fold or photos to edit.

I know. Normal people seems to possess this fascinating quality... a simple ability to live in the moment and be okay with the mess of life. Being able to say, "this is now and the rest can wait." I, apparently, do not.

I picture it like this... Old Me was frantic, constantly on the go, constantly on her feet, constantly stressed and mentally fatigued. Old Me was generally a positive person, but really only because that's her natural disposition. Technically, she was usually negative, cranky, and distressed because the internal boss she'd set up (to-do lists can be a mighty tough slave-driver) was never satisfied.

You got the feeling when you talked to her that she was almost out of breath or something. All. the. time. 

Old Me was running at break-neck pace. But then she slowed to a stop...or is at least trying to. And the funny thing is, as everything and everyone seemed to keep right on running, it didn't bother her. And it didn't bother them! As all those things, those things that made it onto the never-ending to-do lists, whizzed by or got left behind, she was comforted by the quiet. 

New Me is practicing taking a lot of deep breaths when her fingers twitch for the LISTS. New Me is slowing down my mind and heart.

Walking, so to speak. Or heck, just sitting sometimes!

I can still run if I need to. Trust me. There are days where "slow down" just can't happen until after the girls are in bed. And I can still run with the best busy moms and hold it together on those crazy days. But I've learned this about myself: I can't keep up that pace over time.

The freedom I'm finding in saying that out loud is astounding!

Life shouldn't be frantic. Mess is normal. We're humans. I have little girls. My husband works crazy shifts.

"There will be more of life to experience tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day. And I don't have to be running after it all the time. Breathe, rest, practice the idea of enough... Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go." (Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet)  

So I'm learning that to-do lists must be a tool, not a god that bosses you around and freaks you out and turns you into a cranky-pants wife and mom. 

Stay tuned for how this is playing out practically for me! And seriously, join in on a conversation with me! I'd love to hear your own struggles with "to-do or not to-do" in the comments!

Flipping the Coin

I just celebrated my birthday, and a wonderful birthday it was. (Every mother of young children longs for those rare "days off" of being pampered and spoiled to death and My Love nailed it!)

Turning 27 isn't that important. Or at least, it doesn't feel very exciting.

Or is it?

My parents love to tell the story of my first moments of life. After a grueling labor and delivery, my Mom was finally able to recover and my Dad was handed his first child, a healthy baby girl. And he says I stared at him. Literally. Moments after birth, my eyes were wide open, almost expectant.

He likes to say it was my first "what's next?" look. 

So what's next?

Learning to stop constantly asking "what's next?" is what's next! Let me explain...

"I think that our deepest darknesses are always the other side of the coin of our brightest selves." 

-Shauna Niequist (from her awesome book Bittersweet )

What's next for me is flipping the coin of my life and seeing how to better embrace the brightest part of me (excitement for life) while letting go of the dark part (fun fact: even a stay-at-home mom can be a workaholic.)

All of life is a balancing act. And I'm almost never balanced. I'm starting to think this is a relatively normal human problem. But for me, it's a chronic issue, one I've mentioned about a billion times on this blog. Almost every time I melt into a puddle of tears it's because some area of my life has tipped way way to the extreme on the not-balanced side of things.

Oops again!

I'm going through some really hard internal lessons right now... inside me, inside my marriage, inside my family. Some of these lessons have been painful, some are confusing even still, and some are complicated and not yet worked out. Like I haven't even scratched the surface.

But it's good. So so good. Good enough that I want to tell you about some of the lessons. Because they're shaping me into a slightly different, better version of myself. 

So Happy Birthday to ME!

This shall be a year of internal tweaking. Slowing down. Laying it all out on the table and deciding what to keep and what to let go. Being okay with some parts of myself, and stretching the other parts in good ways.

Flipping the coin, finding balance, all that jazz.  Stay tuned for more "life lessons from Jessica's life lessons", coming soon to a blog near you!