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Saturday, April 20, 2013

My Heart Hurts

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm having a really hard time with the news of the Boston marathon bombing.

As Jesse grew up less than an hour from Boston, we have reminders of that area all over our house.  I tear up when I see Lily's Wally... a stuffed animal Jesse and I got her when we went to our first Red Sox game together at Fenway. We have tons of Patriots, Red Sox, and Celtics shirts and hats... more than I realized.  But now I can't help but see them... reminders of the Aiduk family roots.  The first time I ever went to Boston was the weekend I realized I was in love with Jesse and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. 

Jess fell asleep the other night listening to the local Boston news coverage of the manhunt and I burst into tears while I was doing dishes.  Every new horrific detail that I hear just makes it harder...

I suppose that's why my defense mechanism during national tragedies is to avoid the news.  I just don't want to hear the details.  Perhaps that makes me a coward.  Perhaps it's bad because it's preventing me from dealing with my emotions. But there have been a few nights this week I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't get those images out of my head.  

In times like these I wish I had something encouraging to say to myself... but I have to admit my faith is a bit shaky.  I cry and I ask God why and I pray for help.  I tell him how scared I am to raise my girls in this crazy world.  And he doesn't answer me... I'm not expecting him to... except that I do feel him whisper truth to my heart.  That he's here, in the midst of tragedy.

And that's all I need.  It doesn't answer all my questions or take away all my tears, fears, or nightmares.  But it brings a significant measure of peace.

I pray for that peace for all who are suffering today.


  1. It's so hard to wrap our brains around things like this-
    and you are so right to turn to the Lord for perspective and peace...He is the only One who offers the cause, the context, and the remedy for the big messes that happen in this world that we live in...and the peace we need to make it through.
    Thanks for sharing your heart, Jess- I wish you could be spared the hurt. love you dil, xoxoxo

  2. I don't think its cowardly to turn off the news. I believe these tragedies occur because of the news coverage of the events. I refuse to turn the news on too. I don't want to hear about any of that. I want to hear about the heroes. I want to hear about the people that are good. The people that are kind. The people that ran towards those hurting and held hands. I choose how we hear about the tragedies. I turn on the coverage (times like this make me thankful for youtube and facebook) that covers the real heroes...not the news that makes tragic heroes out of the bombers. That's why they do it in the first place. I fight against this media philosophy by only choosing to hear how good rose out of tragedy. And that's what my children see and hear as well because the reality is, whether we are aware or not, they hear and see what goes on around us. I just make sure they are watching the good that people possess. Events like this always have good people too.