On Loss, Love, and the Oldest Generation

Springtime always makes me think of Lilo. Last week I visited her grave for the first time since the funeral. I took her the first daffodills of Spring from our yard. 

I specifically think of her a lot at Easter-time. First, because she always spoiled the crap out of the girls with special Easter baskets and HUGE Easter bunnies. She would hide them somewhere in the yard and come knock on our door to tell the girls she talked to the Easter Bunny and he brought them something special!

I also think of her a lot because her birthday is in April.

She would have been 89 years old this year.

When she passed away last year I went through a surprisingly tough grieving process. I naively thought that you only experience such painful feelings of loss when a close member of your family dies. I was certainly wrong there.

I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions that came with her death. And it took quite a few months to let those come and go.

I journaled and cried and talked to people and wrote Lilo "letters" and cried some more.

I had a hard time going down into the apartment for awhile, which ended up being necessary a few times to help Diana out with things. I remember the first time I was able to be in the apartment without feeling a lump in my throat. I put my hand on the couch and I looked at the living room and just let the memories and feelings come. It took a long time for me to be able to put the image of her on the floor after her stroke out of my mind. But I was reminded that I have too many happy memories with her to cling so hard to such a sad one.

I talked to the girls about how much I missed her. We bought a book that helped explain death in a way they could understand.

{Here's my affiliate link to When Dinosaurs Die ... I highly recommend it}

Not long after Lilo passed, Jesse and I had some serious talks about how our girls hadn't seen most of the oldest generation of our family since Lily was a baby. Sam hadn't even met any of her great-grandparents.

We decided pretty quickly that we were going to make it a priority this year for the girls to spend some time with GreatGram & GreatPa, Grandma Linza, and Grandma Bentley. And thus began the plans for our big Stateside Vacay of 2015...

I hate that it was the death of our Oma that prompted such a feeling of urgency to reconnect with our own family. But isn't that the way things are in life? You don't think about things like death until they happen. Or at least, that's my experience.

So that's a big reason we took such a long and thorough trip to the States this year. We drove a lot to make sure we could see everyone. We battled snowstorms and sleep-deprivation and sickness to make it a priority to get the girls acquainted with all their great-grandparents.

The smiles, hugs, and precious memories were so worth it. 

In Defense of the Exceptionally Ticklish

You know, it's really tough being SUPER ticklish.

I'm sure that many of you are somewhat ticklish. But this post is to my fellow over-the-top-ohmygosh-3rd-degree-ticklish people.

It sucks being that ticklish.

My first experience recently with a 90 minute full body massage will illustrate this point well.

Firstly, HUGE shout out to My Love for the rockin' Christmas present!

Second, I wanted a massage so so so bad. I've been meaning to go get one for a long long time. But apparently, I'm lazy. (Who's too lazy to schedule a massage appointment? That might be a discussion for another day...)

So here I was, my first ever real deal massage. (to clarify, J's given me lots of massages and I've had brief professional massages before. But never full body and never 90 minutes. Also, J's massages usually end with me being angry at him because he tickles me... which isn't his fault. But I digress.)

At the spa, this woman's handshake immediately had me thinking two things... 1. this is going to be a great massage. and 2. oh crap I just remembered how ticklish I am.

She's all like: you have to relax
And I'm all like: DUDE I'M TRYING. Maybe you could use the gentle palm of your hand right there instead of the weight of a thousand suns behind your thumb?
And she's all like: Well that muscle is very small I have to use my thumb. 

Oy vey.

It was comical to say the least.

I would like to remind all you non-believer's out there that being obnoxiously ticklish is NOT voluntary! For the love, do you think I'm TRYING to act like a fool and have a spazz attack at random moments during this massage? Do you think I'm HAPPY with my body right now?

NO. Stupid body. Cut. it. out.

Like, I can't even think about getting pedicures anymore... no one but me can touch my feet without me melting into a fit of giggle spasms. It's stressful man!

Now I definitely felt better after the massage. But I think my neck and shoulders are almost more relaxed after some deep yoga stretches than they are after being tickled to death at the spa. Which is kind of depressing, cause it means I have to hit the mat and not be a lazy bum instead of going to someone else to work out all that "I sit at the computer too much" tension. Boo.

On the bright side, yoga is cheaper.

Being this ticklish makes me lose my mind sometimes. I have been known to be laughing uproariously while simultaneously being so pissed that I have bitten my own husband. Who does that?

REALLY ticklish people, that's who. 

Want to learn more about tickling today?

     - Did you know there's such a thing as a "tickle researcher?" And that it seems none of them can really figure out WHY we laugh when we're being tortured with tickling.

     - There's suspicions that tickling might help children learn to protect the more vulnerable areas of their bodies... though the term "combat" is used in this post, which I think is odd ;-) I do think it's adorable that they say babies respond to tickling with laughter in the first few months of life and that's it's often the first form of communication between them and caregivers! Awwwww...

    - 12 Fun Facts about Tickling Though I would argue that knowing tickling has been used as an actual form of torture (to death?!?!? ) is NOT a fun fact. It's kind of disconcerting. Just saying. (like... how does one DIE of tickling? Do you have a heart attack? I'm stressing just contemplating this!)

    - And finally, a little bit more about what tickling teaches us and our young ones. Also, elephants tickle each other? Seriously?

So what do you think? Are you super ticklish, too? Do you just avoid massages or do you have some trick that I need to learn to get through 90 minutes? 

Sie sind meine Wunschkinder | They are My Wish Children

All the photos from this post by Kirsten Ashley Photography & Design circa April 2013
a Mother's Day Mini Session that I will treasure forever!

The Germans have a word/phrase to describe Lily and Sam...

Wunschkind

A Wunschkind is a "Wish Child," or a baby you wanted and planned to have. So early on when Julia and I started hanging out, she asked me if the girls were "wish kids" after I had explained how close in age they are. (13 months apart)

I looked at her quizzically... "what's a wish kid?" 

And once she explained it to me, my heart just melted! To have a way to perfectly describe the spacing of my kids is just so cool!

If I had a quarter for every time someone asked me if they were twins, I'd be so rich.

Also if I had a quarter for every time people asked me if their age spacing was intentional.

Which is always such an awkward question... I know it's harmless and people are just curious. But dearest stranger in the grocery store, do you really want to know the intricacies of my plan to conceive my children? Also, your stealthy stink eye isn't fooling anyone - I know you think I don't know how to use birth control. Thanks for that.

The truth is I wanted these two babies close. I wanted them badly. I didn't get pregnant with Lily right away when we started trying, like I'd hoped.

And though 3-4 months is hardly worth worrying over when trying to conceive, for someone who is so excited to be pregnant and has friends getting pregnant all around her, that negative sign on the pregnancy test still stings.

Lily's pregnancy was so awesome. And her infancy was also amazing. She was an easy baby... which DEFINITELY impacted my fateful words to Jesse, "Hey this is so great, babies are easy! Want to have another one right away?"

In hindsight, I had no idea what I was actually getting myself into. You can't be a mom for three months and honestly think you know something about what that's going to look like in two years. But hey, ignorance is bliss and one thing led to another and WOW I was pregnant way faster the second time around.

And the rest is pretty much history. Two years back to back of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and lots of diapers... lots and lots of diapers...

But I wouldn't change it for the world! 

I love these two crazy monkeys. I call them Double Trouble for good reason. But they are also so sweet I could eat them up. They love each other so much. And I love them so much it hurts.

There have been times in the last five years (many times) where I have wondered if I bit off more than I can chew. Classic Jessica move - taking on too much at once.

But that doesn't change the fact that they are my wish children! 

Thank you, German language, for so perfectly putting that into words for me.

Parting is Just Plain Sorrow

It's been a weird day today. 

I've been busy. Running errands. Groceries, post office, Christmas shopping, ballet class. 

All in the constant drizzle that seems so appropriate for how I'm feeling. 

Because Kirsten is on her way to the next leg of their adventure. An airplane is taking her far far away from me.

It seems so strange that I'm debating on which type of pork roast to buy and helping little girls into tutus... just doing normal life things... when all the while a huge part of my life is packing her bags and leaving on a plane to Texas. 

If ever we take things for granted, it's those rare friendships that come our way only once in awhile. We are fools because we think things will always stay the same. 

But we forget how quickly the PCS clock ticks down to DEROS time. Or at least I did.

You would think my time as a military spouse, living in this environment of constant change, would have me calloused by now. 

I should be a pro at saying goodbye.

But I don't think we ever get good at it. In order to do so, we would have to stop being human or something! And I don't want to live like that!

I want to feel the closeness of true friendship... even if it means I have to feel the pain of inevitable goodbyes. 

On Tuesday Kirsten came over to my house, like she's done hundreds of times in the past three years. 

We drank caffeinated beverages and enjoyed a fire. We ate smoked salmon and messed around with our new favorite paper snowflakes. 

We talked and talked and talked, like we always do. 

We walked to the kindergarten to pick up the girls, and we laughed at their antics on the walk home. We had more caffeine in the afternoon and warmed up by the fire again.

And we talked and talked and talked.

And in my heart I didn't feel like it was our "last day" together. Even though I knew it was.

We took goodbye photos. We gave goodbye hugs. 

I know we can skype. And talk on the phone. Hell I know we can even use Space-A to have bestie vacays if we want. 

But it's not the same. We'll never live in Germany at the same time again. It feels so strange to think that my life here is just going to keep chugging along for the next two years... And I KNOW I will have more friendships to cherish... 

...but that doesn't mean that this day just plain sucked. 

Lest you think I'm a total Debbie-Downer, I have also been marveling at the complicated feelings that my heart can feel all in the same season. 

I can be raw with the pain of goodbye, and at the same time smiling with excitement for all the awesome things that this next move has in store for my friend. I can feel grumpy and stress-clean my entire kitchen, and at the same time be filled with joy at the memories that well up when I turn on the new-to-me espresso machine Kirsten gave me and taught me to use. 

A friendship like that will make you feel like that.

And you can't help but smile and wave and cry and laugh all at once as the precious time together ends. 

You know you've been changed for the better by that kind of friendship. She has rubbed off on you in so many good ways that you probably won't even understand them all for years. She has helped you grow, she has held your hand and been your shoulder, she has laughed and cried and been angry for you and told you to stop being stupid and everything in between. She taught you Photoshop and she helped form you into a fearless mompreneur. She pushed you when you didn't want to be pushed. And she waited patiently when you needed to breathe. She loved pretty food... possibly more than you did.

And you thank God for sending such a kindred spirit your way.

I Understand a Tiny Bit of Where You Bed-Sharing Parents are Coming From

Before I get started let me just say that I never NEVER allowed my babies in my bed. I was super strict about that. Even when they were right next to me for easy access nursing purposes, they were in a portable crib in my room.

But never in bed.

Never.

NEVER I SAY!

So... when your kids get to that age where they can snuggle and tell you how much they love you and let you catch a few zzzzz's... apparently that's when you get lazy.

And they smell that weakness.

Oh do they smell it.

We are like, sleep training right now? HOW. How in the heckity heck did this happen to US? Our babies have been sleeping through the night since they were 2 months old. (In their own beds I might brag) So what is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on. Momma's gotten lazy. Then Daddy was working nights for ten weeks. Somewhere in the middle of that I was doing a 30 day blogging challenge (read: staying up too late) and oh then we got slammed with sickness in November that we all passed back and forth for the whole freaking month before they were well enough to go back to school.

And what did we do most of that time?

Cut parenting corners, that's what.

We stayed in our pajamas for daaaaaays. We stayed in Momma's bed till 9am... breakfast turned into brunch most days. We somehow ended up in Momma's bed at 2am... without her noticing, since she had only gone to bed at 1am. And sometimes I'd kick them back to their room but most times I didn't.

So you know what's coming.

Now she-who-will-not-be-named is refusing to settle down to sleep at night. I'm suspicious that she's just waiting to hear me come upstairs so she can come get under the down covers and take advantage of my flannel sheets.

She-who-will-not-be-named is also coming into my room upwards of five times FIVE TIMES a night and when I tell her she needs to go back into her own bed you would think I just bought her a puppy and ripped it's head off right in front of her. Sorry. That was gross. But seriously that's the kind of heart-wrenching crying we're talking about here. It's intense. It happens at 3:30am. And again at 5am. And it takes everything in me not to cave.

I'm going to lose my mind.

#dontcave #dontcave #dontcave

I mean, she can't sleep in our bed! When will we ever have sex? (Seriously that's always been my biggest argument against bed-sharing.)

Oh but now I have a new one cause come to find out when she-who-will-not-be-named comes into my bed she turns into a magnet of sorts and it leads to a not-very-restful sleep for whichever parent she's stuck to for the night. (Usually me but sometimes J, too. Neither of us think it's awesome.)

And that magnetism also happens when the other-one somehow wakes up and realizes she-who-will-not-be-named is MIA and comes to investigate.

TWO kid-magnets all up in my sleeping space! GET OUT you adorable MONSTERS!!!

I toss and turn way too much to have two kids on the same pillow as me.

Not to brag, but we have a california king bed. And no. No it is NOT big enough for four people. Not even three.

Two. Two ADULTS sleep in this bed kids, got it?

And I swear I will stay strong for at least a week of your nighttime crying, even if it's ripping tiny holes in my heart every time I hear it at 2am, 4:30am, and wait, I stop caring at 6:15am... then I'm just getting pissed.

Moms of preschoolers who DIDN'T ever share your bed, has this ever happened to you? What do I do?

Moms of preschoolers who do share your bed, I'm sorry for ever judging you. Shame on me, cause that whole crying like a puppy just died at 2am is no joke. And I have definitely caved more than I care to admit!

Be strong everyone.

Post-Turkey Day Reflections | The Ever-Changing Face of My Military Family

First of all, can we agree that everyone's veggie trays would be totally lost without Pinterest?

I mean seriously! How did we ever used to get creative before? Who knew a humble bowl of ranch could transform into an adorable turkey??

Anyways.

Second of all, let's all say "good job Jessica" for keeping it simple... because cleaning the toilets and throwing that turkey-veg-tray together were the extent of my hostess-fanciness. 

Unless you want to count this adorable fruit punch I made, but I don't think you can call this hard or fancy or stressful in the least. It only involved pouring a bunch of sparkling cider, sprite, and cranberry juice into Kirsten's beautiful punch bowl.

The most creative part was that I froze (!!) the slices of orange and the cranberries and those were the ice cubes. 

It looked super pretty. 

But was arguably kind of annoying when trying to ladle out your punch. Whatever, sometimes you have to make small sacrifices for pretty food/drink ;-)

If you want the punch recipe, check it out here. And check out her blog even if you don't want the punch recipe because her branding is adorable... "I should be mopping the floor" haha yes.

Speaking of floors, I am blogging right now instead of mopping my floors.

Literally. #procrastination

Julia snapped the following candids and I am eternally grateful. 

Because at this moment I was cooking the gravy and getting the food on the counter, which was seriously the only moment I felt a tad busy. And it's so special that she captured a bit of that fun chaos!

I was literally dancing for joy over how good my bacon-shallot gravy smelled.

 

 

All in all it was one of our most successful Thanksgivings, yet! We had so so so much food, but isn't that kind of the point?

We also got to introduce Julia's friend Vita to her first ever American Thanksgiving, which made the experience all the more special!

I'm sure no one is surprised that the fried turkeys turned out fabulous. Because that's pretty much the definition of anything fried, right? I used to think that real women own turkey basters and know how to use them. But then I was introduced to a tiny German oven and the concept that if I get my man a fryer, I don't even have to think about the turkey till I eat it. WIN!

As is the case with most things military life, this holiday was a tad bittersweet.

There are precious faces in this crowd that won't be around for our next Thanksgiving in Germany. 

But even though it hurts to be getting ready to say goodbye to Kirsten & Dana and Pedro & Julia, this holiday reminded me of the other side of the coin of PCSing...

When you live overseas and are painfully far from your extended family, it's a comfort to know there will always be new faces, new friends, to celebrate with and be thankful with.

I am thankful for you all... I was so happy to share our turkey with you! 

My Digital Smile Identity Crisis

If this doesn't make you smile, then I don't know what will! A WHOLE blog post on emoticons ;o)

I'm not really sure what it says about me that I've spent 45 minutes researching emoticons. 

But what can I say, I'm curious. 

And I'm also a new-Mommy to an iPad Mini. Which doesn't really have much to do with this conversation of smiles, except for the fact that there are an ungodly amount of emoticon options at the tip of my fingers and it kind of freaks me out. 

But first of all, let's talk emoticons and business.

When I started the photography business, I tried to stay away from winking at people in my writing. That seemed like the professional thing to do. But I found that it wasn't "me" and so I started to include my typical emoticons in my facebook correspondence with clients. 

I also kept liberally using emoticons in my writing here on the blog. I mean geez I'm not taking myself too seriously here, obviously.

And besides, in this modern digital age, even "professional" businesses consider the use of emoticons to be a necessary evil. 

You gotta communicate your emotions somehow!

I love this quote from Scott McDowell about using emotional cues... 

"Until keyboards can actually perceive the emotional content of our digital messages (not so far off!), emoticons may be the simplest method of clarifying tone. I’ve had to let go of my own perception that emoticons are silly. They may currently be our best tool for elevating the emotional clarity of digital messages."





So now the question is this: should I embrace the more normal, accepted noseless smile?

Because apparently I'm behind the emoticon times.

Because this ;o) is not recognized by Facebook (curse you Facebook that's the emoticon I've always used! I like big noses, okay?)

But this :) is okay. Or even this :-)

But not this ;o)

In case you're curious, here are 100 of the most popular "emojis"  and if you're feeling particularly bored you can browse through 2,242 over here!

All this to say I'm going to have finger spasms every time I try to smile at you guys now ;o) ;)

Also, this is probably the silliest blog post ever.

So what do you think about this random quandary of mine? What kind of emoticon do YOU use? Please tell me in the comments :o) :)

Photo of the Day | Bright Colors, Happy Thoughts

This photo accurately captures what I've been thinking about the past few days.

I feel like fall is taking one last deep breath before closing it's eyes in sleep. 

But the colors here remind me of Christmas.

That bright, shining, sparkling time that chases the winter blues away.

The leaves may be falling, the days getting much shorter and darker... but happy times are just around the corner!

Tschuss Fall, Hallo Holidays! 

I'm Falling More and More in Love with Family Photography

When I first started out in photography, I was not super interested in being a "family photographer." But lately, I find myself looking forward to those family sessions the best!

I think it's because I like the rush of a challenge. 

And trying to orchestrate a fun family session that captures the true personalities of the kids AND parents is definitely a challenge.

When I photographed the Aldridge kiddos, I really got to thinking about how much I love shooting kids. It was my first time shooting a family of three kids and I had a lot of nervous excitement going into the shoot.

Jessica vs. three kids under the age of five? Bring it on! 

I always end up getting back into my car sweaty and exhausted, but with a huge smile on my face.

All of the photography I do is rewarding, but working with children is one of my favorites. 

There is something so special about coming alongside a family and helping the parents snag some beautiful photos of their beautiful children.

As a Momma of two quickly growing girls, I am pretty passionate about photographing each stage of a child's life.

Because some days it doesn't feel like they'll EVER grow up and you're just so dang tired and can't wait to get them into bed... but some days you get it. You see how fleeting their childhood is. And you know you want to remember as much of it as you possible can.

So while photographing children is by far not the easiest part of my job, it's definitely worth it.

Can you relate? Tell me in the comments what challenges you find yourself loving to take on! 

From This Mom to All Moms: Bad Days Happen, Even When Our Intentions Were So Good!

Dear Moms,

Don't be fooled. Just because you had a great morning doesn't mean you'll be having a great evening.

Sure, you got a lot of work done this morning, and rocked German class and a bunch of errands all in perfect time to go pick up the kids. You enjoyed your fresh tomato and mozz baquette from Globus as you rocked out to music with the windows down.

Yes, it was sunny today. So so so sunny.

Oh yeah, you thought you were going to be such a Cool Mom and surprise your kids with a trip to the Dinosaur Park... which is closing for the season on Friday. Good job you!

But wait. 

Remember that spot at the kindergarten that has a sign that says "parking forbidden" which all of you kindy moms ignore if the other spaces are full? Well, today is your lucky day to win the "no one ever gets a ticket for parking here" lottery! 

Oh and don't forget that your children are going to be super worn out from playing outside all day. And of course they're going to be super whiny and uncooperative.

As in "OHMYGOSHMOM I can't get my SHOES on all the way LETSFREAKOUT" kind of almost-5yo meltdowns. With shrieking. While Daddy is sleeping off a rough mid shift trying to sleep upstairs.

And while you think you're being smart for bringing food, you're actually retarded for bringing a new kind of cheese. Just because it has pineapple doesn't mean it's going to get rave reviews. Also, minus twenty points for thinking that it would be warm at the park just cause the sun was shining.

PS you forgot to bring the correct Euro change for the parking machine. And rather than risk another ticket you'll be making a trip into the office for change and then back out to the car.

Yay.

It doesn't matter that you're going to go down the slide three times in a row with those precious little humans you gave birth to... they're still sure as hell not going to let you sit down and enjoy that tiny cup of coffee for five minutes. No way.

One kid will get stuck at the top of some playground equipment and refuse to come down.

One kid will want to see the Dinos but the other won't.

Everyone's going to be miserable. But after sticking it out for 1.5 hours they're STILL going to complain about leaving. Loudly. Complain.

The truth is, and we all know this, sometimes being a Mom sucks. 

And that's okay cause once you get them home and in a nice warm bubble bath... and once you have some coffee... you'll all be snuggly and warm by the fire. Forgetting the whole afternoon. You will still have a lot of work to do after they're in bed. And one of them will probably wake up crying that she's got a sore throat while you're writing a blog post. But at the end of the day, it's just a day.

It was kind of a bad day. But they happen.

And while you know they'll happen again... while you know that you have so much work to do to clean up the kitchen and work on client photos and write and research and organize your professional life... you also know that your girls' fresh soapy hair smells so good as you read ten thousand bedtime stories and they snuggle up on either side of you.

Because even on the worst of days, we all know that being a Mom is as awesome as it is hard. Actually... more awesome. So much more.

And even though it didn't feel like anything about the afternoon went right, you DID take your kids to the park. You snuggled with them and read them a million stories even though you were tired and had a lot to do.

Cut yourself some slack.

Love and goodnight,
    Jess... another Mom in the trenches just like you

Mother's Day Gratitude. So Thankful it Hurts...

There are so many things a mother is thankful for each day.

I paid special attention to them today. 

Thankful for hot cups of coffee as the girls chattered away during breakfast.

Thankful for a husband, the other half of this whole motherhood equation, who took them shopping for flowers and a let them pick out a beautiful gift .

Thankful for a tex-mex restaurant that has a kiddie play area right off of the dining room. Some good conversation with My Love while I sipped a margarita, ate a chimichanga, and laughed as my girls mostly played and sometimes munched on chips and salsa.

Thankful for a long afternoon nap with both girls snuggled up beside me on the pull out couch.

Thankful for some quiet moments to read a good book while they watched some favorite movies.

Thankful for yoga to help me unwind and stay strong for them.

Thankful for kisses... still sticky and kinda gross for the apple she was eating.

Thankful for the sun shining in through the windows as we read a stack of bedtime stories on the couch, them snuggled in close.

Thankful for an unsolicited comment as I tucked her into bed, the one who made me what we celebrate today, "You are da bestest and most beautiful Mom I ever had!"

Thankful for a quiet evening to soak in a hot bath. To think. Of what my body was capable of. To remember the way it swelled with my girls' lives. The way it hurt to bring them into this world. The way it sustained them with milk and continues to comfort them.

Thankful for the honor of being a MOTHER.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Saga Continues: In Which I Try Desperately Hard Not to Get My Potty Training Hopes Up

So. So... I have a chronic problem of getting my hopes up way too soon in pretty much all areas. But if you've been reading for the past two years you know potty training has NOT gone according to said "me getting my hopes up."

I blame Lily.

And yes, I'm allowed to blame her. I earned that right when I gave birth to her and also when I got her pee on my hands for the 504,892nd time. (I will blame Sam, too, but mostly it's Lily, and here's why)

You see, Lily totally played me when she daytime trained BEFORE TWO YEARS OLD and in like two weeks! "This is so easy!" I thought. Psssssht.

Okay so now I know better. You can stop laughing at me. BUT. But...

Last night both my Potty Princesses woke up dry. In panties. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Okay this is me reeling it in and reminding myself that because I'm risking a small blog post about this they'll probably both pee tonight but whatever, this is exciting! Lily was the one who finally asked to wear panties at night! And so we plunged ahead with both of them just to see how it'd go!

A HUGE difference now is that both of them wake up after wetting the bed. They are upset, they are grossed out. This may not sound like a good thing, but it is. Because last time we tried this cold turkey business Lily would get a rash on her whole body from sleeping through the accident until morning. So yes, I am hopeful that this is a good sign. 

I kind of feel like I'm cheating a little because I wake them up for a brief potty visit before I go to bed and then I decided to start setting my alarm for 4am to catch Sam... after she woke up wet pretty consistently for a few days in a row between 5-6:30am. But then I thought back to when I was daytime training them and I literally forced them to just TRY to sit on the potty about every half hour for the first few days till they got the hang of the routine. So I'm viewing this 4am thing like that. Just helping her get in the habit.

And it sure beats soggy pull-ups and/or extra loads of pee-pee laundry.

You know you're a mom when a) you talk about pee in public (hi, internet!) and b) you celebrate lack of pee. Three cheers for Double Trouble! I shall resist day-dreaming about throwing the rest of the pull-ups in the garbage and making plans for the potty-party!

It's not over till it's over! ;o)

The Hardest and Best To-Do List Ever | Things I Don't Do

In keeping with my ditch the to-do list challenge to myself, I am borrowing Shauna Niequist's brilliant idea to make a new kind of to-do list. In what she calls her "frantic twenties", a dear friend and mentor told her that you have to know what you are willing to give up in order to do the things you truly care about.

So this is a list of things I have to let go of. And I hate it a little, because the "in a perfect world where there are 62 hours in every day" part of me WANTS to do these things. All of them. But there are only 24 hours in my days, how about yours? So.

Or maybe they're things I want to want to do. But I don't. Or I don't like to, but "everyone" else does them and I feel like I should. Or I just don't have time in this season of my life but maybe I'll take them off this list later. Who knows.

But for now, they're goners. And that's why this list is so hard. Because you have to admit there are just some things you don't do. And I wrote them out for you because a) I want some of you to let go of that "Jessica is a superMom" mentality and b) I want to have it written out as a reminder to myself.

(This list is startlingly freeing. You should make one too if this is a problem for you!)

1. I don't celebrate the minor holidays on epic-Christmas-levels anymore. Unless I want to. But if I don't want to, I hereby refuse to allow myself to feel bad about it! My desire to make all of life as sparkly and fun as possible (for myself AND the girls) can lead to a stressful week's worth of prep and oh-so-many-lists and to-dos just to make St. Patty's Day absolutely Pinterest-worthy. But I'm finding that I don't mind much at all if every meal of Valentine's Day isn't a shade of pink or the shape of a heart. Nope, don't care. (Funny thing is, neither do the girls) So I'm going to stick to ROCKING Christmas, Easter, and our four birthdays. After that, Cinco de Mayo is totally optional icing on the cake of our holiday celebrations. Part of what frees me from this pressure is that my mom frequently sends AMAZING care packages, even for the little holidays, which include cool decor and fun stickers in the very least. Everyone wins, and all I have to do is pull out the box! (Thanks Mom you're the best!)

2. I don't do a lot of crafts anymore. Or kid art type stuff. Or preschool worksheets. The kids like it sometimes so when I (or they) get the urge, we still paint. Or we have random "let's google about snails since collecting empty shells is Lily's newest obsession" moments. But they don't really like to do most other crafts or "intentional learning activities" I've tried so I no longer fight it. Or more accurately, I fight that voice inside me that says "you really should be doing this to be a good mom." I sprinkle glitter and glue and popcicle sticks at that voice and say " 'shut it!' The kindergarten teachers are more than capable of taking that on."

3. I don't make absolutely everything from scratch. I know. SOMETIMES I buy tortillas and granola and chicken stock and deodorant from the store. This one can be really hard for me to allow myself... to remember that just because I know how to make these things with a clean ingredient list, or just because I want to avoid bad fats or chemicals or sugar in the conventional version, or even just because it's CHEAPER to make it myself, doesn't mean I should make it myself. Sometimes the time required to do every homemade thing I can in 24 hours leaves me with no time left for the people who I'm trying to feed so super healthy. I can't do it all, and I have to reel it in and be comfortable with the level of crunchy we're at, for now. My family is more important than the sum total of how much coconut oil, soaked grains, or 24-hour chicken stock I can get into their bodies. I can no longer allow myself to get to the place of near-meltdown as I try to "do it all" in this area.

4. I don't update Facebook much anymore. When I have some funny story or witty thought or silly pic of the kids, I send it to My Love first. I am intentionally applying this amazing article I read about a woman who disentangled herself from addictive social media in order to make more "intersections" with her husband. So I'm trying to apply that concept pretty ruthlessly for awhile... I love social media for it's ease of staying connected with family and for it's networking possibilities within my business, but I know that it can be a vortex. And in 50 years, Jesse's the only one who's "likes" I will care about. #therestofyouwillfade #socialmediaisaddictive #strongmarriageorbust

5. I don't blog every day. And I don't blog about every thing. Some days are just mine. Some stories are just our family's. Some joys are best kept as inside jokes. And some struggles are private. Our family blog is important to me, it will never go away. It's a story I want to tell, a journal I love to write in, and a scrapbook I'll treasure forever. But it's just for fun. And it's not as important as I sometimes want to think ;o)

6. I don't stay in close contact with people outside my immediate circle. Shauna Niequist calls this focusing on "the Home Team" and I love that concept. I've always kept a pretty small home team and I always used to feel bad about it. My relational energy is pretty depleted after I take care of the most important things - Jesse, Lily, and Sam. I cling to a few close friendships. But no matter how much I want to Skype, call, email, or write letters to all 300 of my favorite people who I've had the privilege of loving to death in the past ten years or so, I just can't! I think of you all often, those I love from afar now. And I treasure the time we had when we could share life together. The fact that I don't email you anymore doesn't mean I don't love you. The nature of our life in the military has meant a faster-than-usual changing up of the home team. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can't keep up with everyone. But I'm learning to accept that aspect of the limit on my time.

7. I don't attend many play dates these days. There was a time, not too long ago, that I was meeting up with other mommas with kids my kids age on a weekly basis. And I LIVED for that social interaction, where we pretended it was about our kids, but really it was about us needing to get out of the house. But now my monkeys are "big kids" in kindergarten M-F for the better part of the day. And for the rest of the day and weekends, I want them mostly to myself! It's shocking to me to realize that the toddler years are over and my time with adults doesn't have to revolve around nap times and diaper changes anymore!

8. I don't sort my laundry into loads by color. Never have, never will. I wash almost everything on cold and call it good. It's a rare rare day when I iron. I do like to hang our clothes to dry as often as possible, hippie-momma that I am, but that's about as high-maintenance as I get with laundry.

9. I don't keep up with the news. Or Hollywood. I wish I was a better world citizen and knew more of what was going on in current events and pop culture. But it's never been something I did. I don't study musicians or songs. I'm a social tv-watcher and a passive music-listener. I don't even know the titles of some of my favorite songs! I listen to music sometimes, especially in the car, but I prefer quiet. I used to be embarrassed because this makes me kind of strange... but I'm learning to embrace just "being Jessica" in that.

10. Cleaning the house is a relative term. "Tidying" is a more accurate description of what I do. I try to stay on top of picking things up, and it amazes me how that alone makes the house feel more clean. But the toilets don't get scrubbed very often. The cobwebs are a permanent fixture in some corners of the house. Hell will freeze over before I clean the windows. Or scrub out the oven. And I'm constantly battling with myself to embrace this. To not stress over crumbs on the floor or dishes on the counter when friends come over. If I cleaned the house more I'd have less time for the things that really matter! So I do the bare minimum that we agree our family is comfortable with, and I try to forget the rest!

11. Kid birthday parties. No. At least, not yet. No elaborate themes and large guest lists here. No 12 extra children invading my house all at once. No pinteresting madness. No stress. I apparently couldn't do the 9 month math it required to NOT give birth to my children around a holiday (0-2 on that one) and besides that their birthdays are a month apart. Nopity-nope-nope to huge parties. We do a special family outing for each girl and they get to choose dinner. It's a small family-centered celebration but it includes a lot of presents and a lot of their favorite color so I don't think they care too much that we don't surround them with their peer and hire a clown.

12. Waking up at 5am. There was a time not long ago, when the girls were tiny and needed me all day long, that I woke up at 5am almost every day. That was my only time to read, think, journal, and pray uninterrupted and honestly, I'm the kind of person that is allergic to interruptions. So I needed that time! I indulged in numerous cups of coffee, sometimes a blog post, and sometimes a quick yoga workout... and I wouldn't have survived those years (especially the "two kids under the age of two" years) without starting my day like that. But it got me to the end of the day with very little left to give anyone else. Like, oh I don't know, the man who helped create said children. 9pm was like my tap-out-brain-dead-zone. So now, with the girls a little older and less needy (and at school in the mornings!) I can fit that uninterrupted me-time in later in the day. I now wake up at the perfectly reasonable hour of 7am most days, when Sam comes in to tell me there's a "wake up seven!!!!" on their digital clock ;o) And I'm much more awake at the end of the night. I can't say I never fall asleep during movies anymore, but I do have a slightly better track record for being less zombie-ish and less grumpy about bedtimes.

13. Working out with others. I've dabbled in Zumba class and tried going with people to the gym or meeting up for a run. But I don't like it. I feel like it over-complicates my already complicated life. My workout routine is much easier to make a routine when all I need to do is unroll a yoga mat in my living room and turn on YouTube. (By the way Sadie Nardini is my new fave. She's kooky but her workouts are TOUGH and awesome.) Sometimes I run, by myself or with Jesse. But it's not my thing. I'd like to get into hiking but it just never seems to happen. As I look over at my yoga mat in the corner I can smile because I know I'm in the best shape of my life. Sure I could use more cardio and a stronger core. But I have muscles now. And I got them all by myself. In the quite of my dirty living room.


So that's my list! In no particular order. It has been nice to admit to myself that the things that really matter are WORTH giving up these things... the things that don't really matter as much.

How about you? Got anything you need to give up? Make your list and let me know in the comments if it helped you feel more free to say "nope, I don't do that, and that's okay!" :o)

Three cheers for admitting we can't do it all!