Like Butter Scraped Over too Much Bread

We made the decision that it would be best for our family if we sent BOTH girls to German Kindergarten starting this month.  And I'm even more excited about it than Sammy... which makes me feel guilty.  

[This is a confession post.  A reminder that I'm not "supermom".  It's not that big a deal, I'm just thinking out loud.  I'm having a bit of writer's block (and photographer's block) lately, so I just decided to sit down tonight and write what I've been thinking... no need to bombard me with encouragement about "how great of a mom I am"... again, just thinking out loud.  I know I'm exactly the right Momma for Lily and Sam.]

So starting on Monday, I'll be taking Double Trouble to preschool each morning and they'll stay there each afternoon until 2pm.  This, for those of you non-mommas out there, is an unfathomable amount of child-free time for me.  Like, I just can't quite wrap my head around it.

But I won't be jumping into any new hobbies or catching up on any big projects.  I won't be spending hours and hours growing my photography business or starting new creative ventures.

In fact, I'll probably be curled up in front of the fire next to My Love.  Because this month, mornings are his evenings, and that's the main reason Sam is going to school.

But there's something else...

It's not easy to admit you don't want your kids around all the time.  

I mean DUH even the most patient mom in the world doesn't want her kids around ALL the time.  But we don't usually say it out loud.  We say things like "I totally love being a stay-at-home-mom!" or "I can't WAIT to start homeschooling!" ... when, at least for myself, it would be more accurate to say "some days most days, my kids make me want to gouge my eyes out with their incessant preschool-ness" or "maybe... maybe I'm not cut out to homeschool my kids after all if I'm jumping up and down at the thought of them going to kindergarten for five hours...?"

Sometimes being a mom sucks.  Sometimes you wake up and realize you are doing a terrible job at balancing your priorities and everyone in the family is suffering for it.

Just keeping it real here ladies.  I post a lot about how much I love my kids and how much fun we have and all the cool projects we do and trips and blah blah BLAH... I don't post about the days I hate myself because I let my kids zombie out in front of 5 movies just because I didn't want to answer one. more. question.

In the spirit of this blog having a LOTR title theme, I'm going to agree with Bilbo... "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

I need to be a better best friend to my husband.  A less cranky, impatient mom to my girls.  And if German kindergarten can help with that, so be it.

I haven't completely given up on homeschooling... I sure do LOVE the idea.  But I've embraced the fact that homeschooling would be a bad fit for me right now, and therefore a bad fit for my family.

Also, let's be honest, kindergarten is essentially organized PLAYTIME and the girls are going to LOVE it!  The cultural exposure is going to be awesome for them.  EVERYONE wins in this situation!  Time to embrace outsourcing and let my kids drain a bit of energy out of someone else M-F.  It will give me some seriously needed time.

Time to reconnect with my husband, when he's home.  (Lunch dates!  A quiet house!  WOOT!)  Time to reconnect with myself, when he's not.  (Photography!  Reading!  WOOT!)  Time to grocery shop without stressful interruptions.  Time to cook and clean and otherwise be a domestic goddess... so that when my monkeys ARE home in the afternoon, I'm ready for them.

I want to be ready for story time and play dough and crafts and Mommy's-actually-available-for-you time.  

I'm hoping for less statements like "No, Momma can't play with you I need to finish the dishes before dinner prep" and more PLAYTIME because the dishes will be done and the dinner will be in the slow cooker.

I'll still feel guilty sometimes.  It's probably a mom-thing.  We sure do beat ourselves up over the decisions we make, don't we?  Even though we know sometimes our expectations are unrealistic and cause unnecessary stress on the family... we still feel like we disappoint (ourselves, if not them) when we can't be supermom.

So hey if anyone out there is feeling 50% excited and 50% guilty about a parenting decision that's going to make your life so much easier, I'm right there with ya.  Right now, I'm re-learning that making my marriage a priority over my preschoolers is going to benefit them far more than any homeschooling awesomeness I could come up with.  And I'm reminding myself that it's totally okay that I can't keep up with the energy level of a 3 and 4-year-old right now!

What are you learning or re-learning?  High-five to you tired moms out there.  Hang in there, you're doing great.  Need proof? just look at the way your little one lights up when you're around.  Those suckers totally love us, no matter WHAT we decide to do about preschool!