On Dinosaurs, Quality Time, and Looking like a Dork as I "Weeeeee!!!" Down Little Kids' Slides

The dinosaurs are out of winter hibernation and our season pass to the Dino Park and the Japanese Gardens has already seen good use. Sam is still OBSESSED with dinosaurs... preferring dino movies/books/and toys to most others. 

And while you would think the appeal of the dino park would lose it's charm after the first 135 visits, apparently it's unbelievably exciting to see the dinosaurs every week... oh to be 3 and 4 again ;o)

This is a pretty cool stage of parenting. Not only is there light at the end of the potty training tunnel, but the girls are able to do more, express more, and communicate more. I love it!

With all this big-girl-ness going on, it's hard to resist the temptation to constantly let them play by themselves. I am by no means planning on being their entertainment, but I am almost done reading The 5 Love Languages of Children and I realized that I would like to work in more intentional quality time with the girls each day.

I've been amazed at the difference in the girls' after just a few weeks of Mommy being more involved... just a little goes a long way! I have been playing with barbies, cooking at the toy kitchen, sliding down slides that aren't really made for someone my size, and playing "soccer".

The benefits of daily quality time are obvious... but I am guilty of letting days go by where I don't play. Or taking them to the playground and parking my tush on the bench while they played and I read. Not that I don't bring a book to the Dino Park... I mean, Momma can only handle so much playtime ;o) But I do notice that everyone seems happier and more affectionate lately. I hope it's because we're all feeling the love!

["Okay everyone smile and look at the camera!" Or not.]

So three cheers for the reminder to be a more fun and involved Mom. And seeing the difference it makes in my kids! And three cheers for the Dino Park, which provides 4 hours of afternoon playtime in the sun while Dad is able to sleep (thumbs down for mid-shift) and Momma doesn't have to be a shhh-monster! 

Also, confession: When I'm at the park without backup and I have to convince them to leave without tears, I completely resort to bribery! But let's call it motivation ;o) "Hey girls, it's time to go... DO YOU WANT A POPSICLE ON THE WAY OUT???" ha.

Me: (exasperated) "Come on Lily, SMILE BIG for me!"
Lily: (equally exasperated) "I CAN'T Mooooom. I don't have as big a MOUTH as you!"

Fair point ;o) I love these two crazy girls!

The Hardest and Best To-Do List Ever | Things I Don't Do

In keeping with my ditch the to-do list challenge to myself, I am borrowing Shauna Niequist's brilliant idea to make a new kind of to-do list. In what she calls her "frantic twenties", a dear friend and mentor told her that you have to know what you are willing to give up in order to do the things you truly care about.

So this is a list of things I have to let go of. And I hate it a little, because the "in a perfect world where there are 62 hours in every day" part of me WANTS to do these things. All of them. But there are only 24 hours in my days, how about yours? So.

Or maybe they're things I want to want to do. But I don't. Or I don't like to, but "everyone" else does them and I feel like I should. Or I just don't have time in this season of my life but maybe I'll take them off this list later. Who knows.

But for now, they're goners. And that's why this list is so hard. Because you have to admit there are just some things you don't do. And I wrote them out for you because a) I want some of you to let go of that "Jessica is a superMom" mentality and b) I want to have it written out as a reminder to myself.

(This list is startlingly freeing. You should make one too if this is a problem for you!)

1. I don't celebrate the minor holidays on epic-Christmas-levels anymore. Unless I want to. But if I don't want to, I hereby refuse to allow myself to feel bad about it! My desire to make all of life as sparkly and fun as possible (for myself AND the girls) can lead to a stressful week's worth of prep and oh-so-many-lists and to-dos just to make St. Patty's Day absolutely Pinterest-worthy. But I'm finding that I don't mind much at all if every meal of Valentine's Day isn't a shade of pink or the shape of a heart. Nope, don't care. (Funny thing is, neither do the girls) So I'm going to stick to ROCKING Christmas, Easter, and our four birthdays. After that, Cinco de Mayo is totally optional icing on the cake of our holiday celebrations. Part of what frees me from this pressure is that my mom frequently sends AMAZING care packages, even for the little holidays, which include cool decor and fun stickers in the very least. Everyone wins, and all I have to do is pull out the box! (Thanks Mom you're the best!)

2. I don't do a lot of crafts anymore. Or kid art type stuff. Or preschool worksheets. The kids like it sometimes so when I (or they) get the urge, we still paint. Or we have random "let's google about snails since collecting empty shells is Lily's newest obsession" moments. But they don't really like to do most other crafts or "intentional learning activities" I've tried so I no longer fight it. Or more accurately, I fight that voice inside me that says "you really should be doing this to be a good mom." I sprinkle glitter and glue and popcicle sticks at that voice and say " 'shut it!' The kindergarten teachers are more than capable of taking that on."

3. I don't make absolutely everything from scratch. I know. SOMETIMES I buy tortillas and granola and chicken stock and deodorant from the store. This one can be really hard for me to allow myself... to remember that just because I know how to make these things with a clean ingredient list, or just because I want to avoid bad fats or chemicals or sugar in the conventional version, or even just because it's CHEAPER to make it myself, doesn't mean I should make it myself. Sometimes the time required to do every homemade thing I can in 24 hours leaves me with no time left for the people who I'm trying to feed so super healthy. I can't do it all, and I have to reel it in and be comfortable with the level of crunchy we're at, for now. My family is more important than the sum total of how much coconut oil, soaked grains, or 24-hour chicken stock I can get into their bodies. I can no longer allow myself to get to the place of near-meltdown as I try to "do it all" in this area.

4. I don't update Facebook much anymore. When I have some funny story or witty thought or silly pic of the kids, I send it to My Love first. I am intentionally applying this amazing article I read about a woman who disentangled herself from addictive social media in order to make more "intersections" with her husband. So I'm trying to apply that concept pretty ruthlessly for awhile... I love social media for it's ease of staying connected with family and for it's networking possibilities within my business, but I know that it can be a vortex. And in 50 years, Jesse's the only one who's "likes" I will care about. #therestofyouwillfade #socialmediaisaddictive #strongmarriageorbust

5. I don't blog every day. And I don't blog about every thing. Some days are just mine. Some stories are just our family's. Some joys are best kept as inside jokes. And some struggles are private. Our family blog is important to me, it will never go away. It's a story I want to tell, a journal I love to write in, and a scrapbook I'll treasure forever. But it's just for fun. And it's not as important as I sometimes want to think ;o)

6. I don't stay in close contact with people outside my immediate circle. Shauna Niequist calls this focusing on "the Home Team" and I love that concept. I've always kept a pretty small home team and I always used to feel bad about it. My relational energy is pretty depleted after I take care of the most important things - Jesse, Lily, and Sam. I cling to a few close friendships. But no matter how much I want to Skype, call, email, or write letters to all 300 of my favorite people who I've had the privilege of loving to death in the past ten years or so, I just can't! I think of you all often, those I love from afar now. And I treasure the time we had when we could share life together. The fact that I don't email you anymore doesn't mean I don't love you. The nature of our life in the military has meant a faster-than-usual changing up of the home team. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can't keep up with everyone. But I'm learning to accept that aspect of the limit on my time.

7. I don't attend many play dates these days. There was a time, not too long ago, that I was meeting up with other mommas with kids my kids age on a weekly basis. And I LIVED for that social interaction, where we pretended it was about our kids, but really it was about us needing to get out of the house. But now my monkeys are "big kids" in kindergarten M-F for the better part of the day. And for the rest of the day and weekends, I want them mostly to myself! It's shocking to me to realize that the toddler years are over and my time with adults doesn't have to revolve around nap times and diaper changes anymore!

8. I don't sort my laundry into loads by color. Never have, never will. I wash almost everything on cold and call it good. It's a rare rare day when I iron. I do like to hang our clothes to dry as often as possible, hippie-momma that I am, but that's about as high-maintenance as I get with laundry.

9. I don't keep up with the news. Or Hollywood. I wish I was a better world citizen and knew more of what was going on in current events and pop culture. But it's never been something I did. I don't study musicians or songs. I'm a social tv-watcher and a passive music-listener. I don't even know the titles of some of my favorite songs! I listen to music sometimes, especially in the car, but I prefer quiet. I used to be embarrassed because this makes me kind of strange... but I'm learning to embrace just "being Jessica" in that.

10. Cleaning the house is a relative term. "Tidying" is a more accurate description of what I do. I try to stay on top of picking things up, and it amazes me how that alone makes the house feel more clean. But the toilets don't get scrubbed very often. The cobwebs are a permanent fixture in some corners of the house. Hell will freeze over before I clean the windows. Or scrub out the oven. And I'm constantly battling with myself to embrace this. To not stress over crumbs on the floor or dishes on the counter when friends come over. If I cleaned the house more I'd have less time for the things that really matter! So I do the bare minimum that we agree our family is comfortable with, and I try to forget the rest!

11. Kid birthday parties. No. At least, not yet. No elaborate themes and large guest lists here. No 12 extra children invading my house all at once. No pinteresting madness. No stress. I apparently couldn't do the 9 month math it required to NOT give birth to my children around a holiday (0-2 on that one) and besides that their birthdays are a month apart. Nopity-nope-nope to huge parties. We do a special family outing for each girl and they get to choose dinner. It's a small family-centered celebration but it includes a lot of presents and a lot of their favorite color so I don't think they care too much that we don't surround them with their peer and hire a clown.

12. Waking up at 5am. There was a time not long ago, when the girls were tiny and needed me all day long, that I woke up at 5am almost every day. That was my only time to read, think, journal, and pray uninterrupted and honestly, I'm the kind of person that is allergic to interruptions. So I needed that time! I indulged in numerous cups of coffee, sometimes a blog post, and sometimes a quick yoga workout... and I wouldn't have survived those years (especially the "two kids under the age of two" years) without starting my day like that. But it got me to the end of the day with very little left to give anyone else. Like, oh I don't know, the man who helped create said children. 9pm was like my tap-out-brain-dead-zone. So now, with the girls a little older and less needy (and at school in the mornings!) I can fit that uninterrupted me-time in later in the day. I now wake up at the perfectly reasonable hour of 7am most days, when Sam comes in to tell me there's a "wake up seven!!!!" on their digital clock ;o) And I'm much more awake at the end of the night. I can't say I never fall asleep during movies anymore, but I do have a slightly better track record for being less zombie-ish and less grumpy about bedtimes.

13. Working out with others. I've dabbled in Zumba class and tried going with people to the gym or meeting up for a run. But I don't like it. I feel like it over-complicates my already complicated life. My workout routine is much easier to make a routine when all I need to do is unroll a yoga mat in my living room and turn on YouTube. (By the way Sadie Nardini is my new fave. She's kooky but her workouts are TOUGH and awesome.) Sometimes I run, by myself or with Jesse. But it's not my thing. I'd like to get into hiking but it just never seems to happen. As I look over at my yoga mat in the corner I can smile because I know I'm in the best shape of my life. Sure I could use more cardio and a stronger core. But I have muscles now. And I got them all by myself. In the quite of my dirty living room.


So that's my list! In no particular order. It has been nice to admit to myself that the things that really matter are WORTH giving up these things... the things that don't really matter as much.

How about you? Got anything you need to give up? Make your list and let me know in the comments if it helped you feel more free to say "nope, I don't do that, and that's okay!" :o)

Three cheers for admitting we can't do it all!

Throwback Thursday | Two Life Lessons

Today I want to re-post two old ones...

This one from two days ago over at Jesse's Girl Photography. And this one from two years ago here on There & Back Again.

One is a recent lesson that ties directly with my "slow down" New Year's goal. And the old one, the watch one, makes me chuckle... it was the beginning of this journey to discovering just how deep the roots of my awful workaholic tendencies go. The very first hints at my "death to the to-do lists" challenge!

In case anyone else needs encouragement today that it can take years for a lesson to sink in! 

Peace - What Happened When I Slowed Down

Here's the next installment of "Life Lessons from Jessica's Life Lessons."

It was brought to my attention by a friend (and confirmed by My Love) (and reconfirmed by my new favorite author/twin-separated-at-birth, Shauna Niequist ) that I have an addiction. To work.

And the main visible evidence of this is that I was obsessed with my to-do lists.

So I prayed about it and I went without. And it was hard. I literally had to move my favorite to-do list app to the deepest darkest corner of my iPod Touch and swear to myself not to look at it unless I was planning a menu/grocery list for the week!

You'd think a type-A personality would self-destruct without her to-do lists. And it's true, I was a bit difficult to live with for a few weeks... constantly jonesing to DO SOMETHING while forcing myself to glue my tush to the couch and read a book. Just for fun. A novel. Or watch a movie with the kids. Or sit outside in the sun chatting with Jesse... while there were still dishes in the sink or emails to answer or projects to start or organizing to do or laundry piles to fold or photos to edit.

I know. Normal people seems to possess this fascinating quality... a simple ability to live in the moment and be okay with the mess of life. Being able to say, "this is now and the rest can wait." I, apparently, do not.

I picture it like this... Old Me was frantic, constantly on the go, constantly on her feet, constantly stressed and mentally fatigued. Old Me was generally a positive person, but really only because that's her natural disposition. Technically, she was usually negative, cranky, and distressed because the internal boss she'd set up (to-do lists can be a mighty tough slave-driver) was never satisfied.

You got the feeling when you talked to her that she was almost out of breath or something. All. the. time. 

Old Me was running at break-neck pace. But then she slowed to a stop...or is at least trying to. And the funny thing is, as everything and everyone seemed to keep right on running, it didn't bother her. And it didn't bother them! As all those things, those things that made it onto the never-ending to-do lists, whizzed by or got left behind, she was comforted by the quiet. 

New Me is practicing taking a lot of deep breaths when her fingers twitch for the LISTS. New Me is slowing down my mind and heart.

Walking, so to speak. Or heck, just sitting sometimes!

I can still run if I need to. Trust me. There are days where "slow down" just can't happen until after the girls are in bed. And I can still run with the best busy moms and hold it together on those crazy days. But I've learned this about myself: I can't keep up that pace over time.

The freedom I'm finding in saying that out loud is astounding!

Life shouldn't be frantic. Mess is normal. We're humans. I have little girls. My husband works crazy shifts.

"There will be more of life to experience tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day. And I don't have to be running after it all the time. Breathe, rest, practice the idea of enough... Full life is lived when the whole system works together, when rest and home and peace live hand in hand with taste and sparkle and go." (Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet)  

So I'm learning that to-do lists must be a tool, not a god that bosses you around and freaks you out and turns you into a cranky-pants wife and mom. 

Stay tuned for how this is playing out practically for me! And seriously, join in on a conversation with me! I'd love to hear your own struggles with "to-do or not to-do" in the comments!

Flipping the Coin

I just celebrated my birthday, and a wonderful birthday it was. (Every mother of young children longs for those rare "days off" of being pampered and spoiled to death and My Love nailed it!)

Turning 27 isn't that important. Or at least, it doesn't feel very exciting.

Or is it?

My parents love to tell the story of my first moments of life. After a grueling labor and delivery, my Mom was finally able to recover and my Dad was handed his first child, a healthy baby girl. And he says I stared at him. Literally. Moments after birth, my eyes were wide open, almost expectant.

He likes to say it was my first "what's next?" look. 

So what's next?

Learning to stop constantly asking "what's next?" is what's next! Let me explain...

"I think that our deepest darknesses are always the other side of the coin of our brightest selves." 

-Shauna Niequist (from her awesome book Bittersweet )

What's next for me is flipping the coin of my life and seeing how to better embrace the brightest part of me (excitement for life) while letting go of the dark part (fun fact: even a stay-at-home mom can be a workaholic.)

All of life is a balancing act. And I'm almost never balanced. I'm starting to think this is a relatively normal human problem. But for me, it's a chronic issue, one I've mentioned about a billion times on this blog. Almost every time I melt into a puddle of tears it's because some area of my life has tipped way way to the extreme on the not-balanced side of things.

Oops again!

I'm going through some really hard internal lessons right now... inside me, inside my marriage, inside my family. Some of these lessons have been painful, some are confusing even still, and some are complicated and not yet worked out. Like I haven't even scratched the surface.

But it's good. So so good. Good enough that I want to tell you about some of the lessons. Because they're shaping me into a slightly different, better version of myself. 

So Happy Birthday to ME!

This shall be a year of internal tweaking. Slowing down. Laying it all out on the table and deciding what to keep and what to let go. Being okay with some parts of myself, and stretching the other parts in good ways.

Flipping the coin, finding balance, all that jazz.  Stay tuned for more "life lessons from Jessica's life lessons", coming soon to a blog near you!

She Just Wants to BE WITH ME.

Sam is teaching me a lot of lessons lately. Or rather, one main lesson... over and over. Because I can't seem to get that one lesson through my thick skull.

"Momma, hold me."

"Momma, I want to be wif you."

"Momma, please I be wif you?"

It breaks my heart how often I hear this. And I'm trying to really HEAR it you know? Like, not just hear it and give her a snack and send her packing to the toy room... but really hear it, and stop. SLOW DOWN. Hold her. Let her be with me.

Be with her.

A never ending internal battle. Who's more important, me or her? Me or Jesse? Me or Lily? My to-do list or my family?

Them. It's gotta be them! Those pudgy little hands just reaching out for a hug. I'm constantly working on stopping to be present.  

I don't like slowing down! AND I'm a slow learner. Such a bad combination ;o)

Like Butter Scraped Over too Much Bread

We made the decision that it would be best for our family if we sent BOTH girls to German Kindergarten starting this month.  And I'm even more excited about it than Sammy... which makes me feel guilty.  

[This is a confession post.  A reminder that I'm not "supermom".  It's not that big a deal, I'm just thinking out loud.  I'm having a bit of writer's block (and photographer's block) lately, so I just decided to sit down tonight and write what I've been thinking... no need to bombard me with encouragement about "how great of a mom I am"... again, just thinking out loud.  I know I'm exactly the right Momma for Lily and Sam.]

So starting on Monday, I'll be taking Double Trouble to preschool each morning and they'll stay there each afternoon until 2pm.  This, for those of you non-mommas out there, is an unfathomable amount of child-free time for me.  Like, I just can't quite wrap my head around it.

But I won't be jumping into any new hobbies or catching up on any big projects.  I won't be spending hours and hours growing my photography business or starting new creative ventures.

In fact, I'll probably be curled up in front of the fire next to My Love.  Because this month, mornings are his evenings, and that's the main reason Sam is going to school.

But there's something else...

It's not easy to admit you don't want your kids around all the time.  

I mean DUH even the most patient mom in the world doesn't want her kids around ALL the time.  But we don't usually say it out loud.  We say things like "I totally love being a stay-at-home-mom!" or "I can't WAIT to start homeschooling!" ... when, at least for myself, it would be more accurate to say "some days most days, my kids make me want to gouge my eyes out with their incessant preschool-ness" or "maybe... maybe I'm not cut out to homeschool my kids after all if I'm jumping up and down at the thought of them going to kindergarten for five hours...?"

Sometimes being a mom sucks.  Sometimes you wake up and realize you are doing a terrible job at balancing your priorities and everyone in the family is suffering for it.

Just keeping it real here ladies.  I post a lot about how much I love my kids and how much fun we have and all the cool projects we do and trips and blah blah BLAH... I don't post about the days I hate myself because I let my kids zombie out in front of 5 movies just because I didn't want to answer one. more. question.

In the spirit of this blog having a LOTR title theme, I'm going to agree with Bilbo... "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

I need to be a better best friend to my husband.  A less cranky, impatient mom to my girls.  And if German kindergarten can help with that, so be it.

I haven't completely given up on homeschooling... I sure do LOVE the idea.  But I've embraced the fact that homeschooling would be a bad fit for me right now, and therefore a bad fit for my family.

Also, let's be honest, kindergarten is essentially organized PLAYTIME and the girls are going to LOVE it!  The cultural exposure is going to be awesome for them.  EVERYONE wins in this situation!  Time to embrace outsourcing and let my kids drain a bit of energy out of someone else M-F.  It will give me some seriously needed time.

Time to reconnect with my husband, when he's home.  (Lunch dates!  A quiet house!  WOOT!)  Time to reconnect with myself, when he's not.  (Photography!  Reading!  WOOT!)  Time to grocery shop without stressful interruptions.  Time to cook and clean and otherwise be a domestic goddess... so that when my monkeys ARE home in the afternoon, I'm ready for them.

I want to be ready for story time and play dough and crafts and Mommy's-actually-available-for-you time.  

I'm hoping for less statements like "No, Momma can't play with you I need to finish the dishes before dinner prep" and more PLAYTIME because the dishes will be done and the dinner will be in the slow cooker.

I'll still feel guilty sometimes.  It's probably a mom-thing.  We sure do beat ourselves up over the decisions we make, don't we?  Even though we know sometimes our expectations are unrealistic and cause unnecessary stress on the family... we still feel like we disappoint (ourselves, if not them) when we can't be supermom.

So hey if anyone out there is feeling 50% excited and 50% guilty about a parenting decision that's going to make your life so much easier, I'm right there with ya.  Right now, I'm re-learning that making my marriage a priority over my preschoolers is going to benefit them far more than any homeschooling awesomeness I could come up with.  And I'm reminding myself that it's totally okay that I can't keep up with the energy level of a 3 and 4-year-old right now!

What are you learning or re-learning?  High-five to you tired moms out there.  Hang in there, you're doing great.  Need proof? just look at the way your little one lights up when you're around.  Those suckers totally love us, no matter WHAT we decide to do about preschool!